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The OFFICIAL Hate List (2002)

Sepulchritude Forum » The Absinthe Forum Archive thru June 2002 » Archive Thru April 2002 » The OFFICIAL Hate List (2002) « Previous Next »

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Archive through March 30, 2002Head_Prosthesis25 3-30-02  9:59 pm
Archive through April 01, 2002Baz25 4-1-02  2:12 pm
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Posted on Thursday, April 4, 2002 - 8:35 pm:   Edit PostPrint Post

Speaking of JWs, I would like to relate a funny true story of how I got rid of them.

In the 1980's I was renting a old house about a mile outside of a small Midwestern town where I attended the University. Being in my 20's and liking to party, I typically closed down the bars on Saturday nights.

Starting one summer month the JW's would stop by my house every week or so to drop off literature. Simultaneously, I had a wood pecker that would religiously wake me up Sunday morning in my drunken stupor by pecking on my house outside my bedroom window.

After a couple of weeks of the woodpecker bothering me, I moved a .22 rifle, loaded and ready, by my door.

About 10:30 AM on a Sunday morning, the magic happened. I was still half drunk in bed and heard a tap-tap-tap. I rolled over. Tap-tap-tap. I jumped from bed wearing only my boxers, grabbed my rifle, and threw open the door to kill me a woodpecker. I was only half as surprised as the two 15-16 year old JW girls in their Sunday dresses were to see a guy in his underwear with a rifle flying out the door.

I smiled, said excuse me, and shut the door. A minute later I opened it wearing pants, smiling, and while laughing told them I was not interested, as I had for the previous several weeks. Only this time they never came back.
Posted on Thursday, April 4, 2002 - 7:33 pm:   Edit PostPrint Post

You are being way too nice to the JWs. We have a "no soliciting" sign on the door. Occasionally they knock anyway. My housemate screams obscenities at them, and they just say "have a nice day" or something and go away. They usually don't come back for at least a year. If you act like you might talk to them, of course they will keep coming back.

Please note: I have nothing against anyone's religious beliefs, except when they try to bring it into my space and disturb my privacy. Telemarketers are bad enough, but at least they don't come to your house (I fixed them too by getting "Privacy Manager" on my phone).
Posted on Thursday, April 4, 2002 - 5:51 pm:   Edit PostPrint Post

I hung this sign up and haven't had one Jehovah's Witness come since:

No Soliciting

By knocking on this door in an attempt to sell goods, services, or religious beliefs, you, the seller, agree to give to the owners of the house (OWNERS) five dollars for the first minute of their time, and five dollars for each minute thereafter. Payment must be made immediately in the form of cash. If you do not wish to abide by these terms, then DO NOT KNOCK ON THE DOOR!
Posted on Thursday, April 4, 2002 - 10:39 am:   Edit PostPrint Post

Speaking of Southerners, the Atlanta School Board has decided to designate Southern slang, or "Hickphonics," as a language to be taught in all Southern schools.

Here are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:

HEIDI -- noun. Greeting.

HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: "Heidi. Hire yew."

BARD -- verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH -- noun. A state just north of Florida. Capital is Hot-lanta.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

MUNTS -- noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."

IGNERT -- adjective. Not smart. See "Arkansas native."
Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"

RANCH -- noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL -- noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR -- noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."

BAHS -- noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work your bahs is gonna far you!"

TAR -- noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE -- noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

RETARD -- Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."

TARRED -- adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred."

FAT -- noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or combat.

ARE -- pronoun. Possessive case of we used as a predicate adjective.

RATS -- noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."

FARN -- adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed... must be from some farn country."

DID -- adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."

EAR -- noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: "He cain't breath ... give 'im some ear!"

BOB WAR -- noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

JEW HERE -- Noun and verb contraction.
Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"

HAZE -- a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah... haze ignert."

SEED -- verb, past tense.

VIEW -- contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City... view?"

HEAVY DEW -- phrase. A request for action.
Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"

GUMMIT -- noun. A bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Them gummit boys shore are ignert."

Who says (Anatomist did anyway) that Americans can understand each other with ease regardless of which part of the USA they come from.

Posted on Wednesday, April 3, 2002 - 10:21 pm:   Edit PostPrint Post

Actually, all of the JW that I've met have been pretty cool. They're out there doing it because their parents expect them to. They come around when they get away from home. I'd take a Morman or a JW any day over Southern Baptist. The only thing the Southern Baptists have convinced me of is that Nero was on to something....

- malhomme
Posted on Wednesday, April 3, 2002 - 10:18 pm:   Edit PostPrint Post

Invite 'em in for some porno and Cheese Nips.

- malhomme
Posted on Wednesday, April 3, 2002 - 4:49 pm:   Edit PostPrint Post

I answered the door one morning after a two day meth binge during which I had been working on a motorcycle...I still had the cutting torch in my hand shooting about a foot long flame. The couple of Witnesses just about killed each other trying to get down my front porch steps and down the street. Never did get disturbed again.
Posted on Wednesday, April 3, 2002 - 4:34 pm:   Edit PostPrint Post

Friend of mine was in the middle of a ritual once... black hooded robe, sword, pentagram and all.

Ding Dong! Yeeesss?

They never did come back.
Posted on Wednesday, April 3, 2002 - 3:43 pm:   Edit PostPrint Post

I'm being stalked by Jeovahs Witnesses. They knock on the door about 4 or 5 times in a every 2 week time period. It gets really old when I'm on my way to work and they pull in behind me, when I'm about to get in my car. I just tell them I'm late and I cannot talk right now. I'm about to get ugly though because its happening a little too often.
Posted on Wednesday, April 3, 2002 - 2:44 pm:   Edit PostPrint Post

"Fuck religion... all of it, fucking sheep!"
predominantly, yes
Posted on Wednesday, April 3, 2002 - 2:41 pm:   Edit PostPrint Post

Fuck religion... all of it, fucking sheep! BAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! BAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Posted on Wednesday, April 3, 2002 - 1:57 pm:   Edit PostPrint Post

I saw some woman running down the road, she was shouting "Jesus!, Jesus!, come here Jesus" So this kid pops his head round the corner and goes, "what mom?"
Posted on Tuesday, April 2, 2002 - 10:51 pm:   Edit PostPrint Post

I had some mormons. Came to my door in the rain, I said "listen, I don't want to waste your time. You will not convert me."

So we started talking anyway, and we sat round my living room discussing metaphysics. The 'elder' (a hoary old fellow of 18) kept giving his junior (still wet behind the ears at 17) looks to try to curb his enthusiasm.

I got him going when I said "It's sad you guys get such a bad rap. No one takes the history in your book at all seriously, but they don't really know- they aren't thinking about the history they accept critically, especially not the religious bits. They just accept it. That, and whether there really was a Jesus in the new world historically is irrelevant. This is a matter of whether your concepts are good and of faith."

Then I gave them a ride back to their car cause it was raining like hell and they were lost.

And I even turned down NIN screaming 'fist fuck!' before they could hear it.

Why I didn't torment them as I normally would I still don't know. I got a book O Mormon anyway.
Posted on Tuesday, April 2, 2002 - 10:28 pm:   Edit PostPrint Post

That's fine by me Rabid.

And Guido I already have a copy of the Book of Mormon. Lasy year a couple of friendly Mormon missionary Sisters came knocking on my door and I invited them in for a cup of tea and a chat. They were fine, all they wanted me to do was promise to read a couple of short chapters from the book at some stage. I must get round to doing that some day as I don't believe in breaking promises.

Posted on Tuesday, April 2, 2002 - 7:38 pm:   Edit PostPrint Post
Posted on Tuesday, April 2, 2002 - 3:57 pm:   Edit PostPrint Post

All of this hatred... (shakes head woefully) Can't we remember that the true purpose of Easter is recognizing the fact that Jesus died for our sins? Oh, by the way, would anyone like a complementary Book of Mormon? No? Are you sure I can't interest you? Positive?

Posted on Tuesday, April 2, 2002 - 12:54 pm:   Edit PostPrint Post

Hobby, the anti New Agers thing is fine with me, but I must insist our Pogrom include an anti-twisty rider.
Posted on Tuesday, April 2, 2002 - 10:30 am:   Edit PostPrint Post


Why don't you have anything against New-agers, you ought to have.

Bunch of smelly, dirty, lazy, wierdos with no dress sense. Spend their lives scrounging off social security and living up trees. Fuck the lot of them!

Shame on you Amnesiac.

Posted on Tuesday, April 2, 2002 - 9:44 am:   Edit PostPrint Post

"The cycle of hate will never end and I'll die a bitter old man..."
Uhm, dont start something you cant finish.
Posted on Tuesday, April 2, 2002 - 9:02 am:   Edit PostPrint Post

Oh and before I catch flak for that last post- I have NOTHING against new age individuals. It was just a harmless comment.

I still wouldn't name my kids Beige or Mauve though. No fucking way.
Posted on Tuesday, April 2, 2002 - 9:01 am:   Edit PostPrint Post

I'm revising my list AGAIN.

There are no longer ANY people on it.

Now there are just colors.

1) I don't like beige.
2) I don't like mauve.

That's it. I really just don't like the names of the colors. Sounds like something a new-ager would name their kids.

"Come here, Beige. Your grandparent's are here. And give Mauve a hand with that turkey."

Sick. Just sick.
Posted on Tuesday, April 2, 2002 - 2:37 am:   Edit PostPrint Post

Look it's the BIG BAD WOLF...


I'm a sausage. Ok, I'm a vienna sausage. But I got the biggest clit in town!
Posted on Monday, April 1, 2002 - 5:30 pm:   Edit PostPrint Post

[Looks around, confused, wondering vaguely why the question was asked.]

Not in this sense ...

But I would like you to know that the term "pecker snot" has gone into common usage now amongst my peers.
Posted on Monday, April 1, 2002 - 5:14 pm:   Edit PostPrint Post


Are you a clam? Just wondering?
Posted on Monday, April 1, 2002 - 5:08 pm:   Edit PostPrint Post

Ho boy! (I didn't read all the thread, I'm too ja... errr... bored).


The Head is now quoting me ! And it's a damn old quote... I should check the forum more often as in the old days... ;-)

I need a drink.

Bite me.
Posted on Monday, April 1, 2002 - 3:06 pm:   Edit PostPrint Post

How about those diry sons of bitches that call YOU, and when you pick it up, a machine tells you to stay on hold until a rep. can get to them. The only that makes me madder are those "Cheerleader" car washes, where you pull behind the building, and half the washers are sausages. I want clam when I go to a HS Cheerleaders car wash fundraiser, CLAMS.
Posted on Monday, April 1, 2002 - 2:14 pm:   Edit PostPrint Post

How 'bout voice mail menu systems.
Thank you for calling xyz Company. Your call is very important to us. If you would like English, please press 1. If you would like Spanish, please press 2.
If you would like to open a new account press 3.
If you would like to blah, blah, blah
If you would like to speak with a human being, forget about it.

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