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Know any of these idiots?

Sepulchritude Forum » The Absinthe Forum Archive thru January 2003 » The Monkey Hole » Know any of these idiots? « Previous Next »

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Posted on Friday, July 19, 2002 - 2:37 pm:   Edit PostPrint Post


I don't work in an office.

If the thread isn't to your liking then you can piss off to another thread.

Each to his own and all that.

Posted on Friday, July 19, 2002 - 12:26 pm:   Edit PostPrint Post


At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants.

Three men in a retirement home, one 70, one 80, and one 90, were discussing the problems of daily life.

"What I wouldn't give to take one good shit," said the 70 yar old.

"Oh, I take a good shit every morning at 9. All I want is to be able to take one good piss," said the 80 year old.

"Oh, I take a good shit every morrning at 9, and a good piss every morning at 10," said the 90 year old.

"I just wish I could wake up before noon..."
Posted on Friday, July 19, 2002 - 11:45 am:   Edit PostPrint Post

There was a guy on the radio this morning that also used the nickname BlackJack. He said it was because his parents hit him until he was 21!
Posted on Friday, July 19, 2002 - 11:25 am:   Edit PostPrint Post


things boring at the office?
Posted on Friday, July 19, 2002 - 10:10 am:   Edit PostPrint Post

The Success Cycle.

Being successful means:

At age 4 success is not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is having friends.

At age 18 success is having a drivers license.

At age 20 success is having sex.

At age 35 success is having money.

At age 50 success is having money.

At age 60 success is having sex.

At age 70 success is having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is having friends.

At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants.
Posted on Friday, July 19, 2002 - 10:07 am:   Edit PostPrint Post

Oh well, its the first time I heard it, it made me laugh anyway.

Posted on Friday, July 19, 2002 - 7:09 am:   Edit PostPrint Post

Heard that one about two years ago, only Hillary was the "smartest" person in that version.
Posted on Friday, July 19, 2002 - 6:47 am:   Edit PostPrint Post

The Enron case explained in plain form.

An old country farmer with serious financial problems bought a mule from another farmer for $100, who agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

However, the next day he drove up and said, sorry, but I have some bad news. The mule died.

OK, the second farmer said, then, just give me my money back.

1st farmer: Can't do that. I went and spent it already.

2nd farmer: OK, then just unload the mule her for me.

1st farmer: What ya gonna do with a dead mule?

2nd farmer: I'm going to raffle him off.

1st farmer: You can't raffle off a dead mule!

2nd farmer: Sure I can. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.

A month later the two met up and the 1st farmer asked, whatever happened with that dead mule?

2nd farmer: I raffled him off just like I said I would. I sold 500 tickets at $2 apiece and made a profit of $998.

1st farmer: Didn't anyone complain?

2nd farmer: Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.
Posted on Friday, July 19, 2002 - 6:44 am:   Edit PostPrint Post

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board but Only 4 parachutes.

The 1st passenger said, "I am Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player, the Lakers need me, I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Hillary Clinton said, " I am the wife of the former US President, a NY State Senator and a potential future president." So she took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.

The 3rd passenger, George W. Bush, said, " I'm the president of the United States of America. I have great responsibility being the leader of a superpower nation. And I am the cleverest president in American history, so America's people won't let me die." So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane.

The 4th passenger, the Pope, said to the 5th passenger, a 10 year old schoolgirl, "I am old and frail and don't have many years left, and as a
Catholic I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The girl said, "it's okay, there is a parachute left for you. America's cleverest president has taken my schoolbag."
Posted on Friday, July 19, 2002 - 6:42 am:   Edit PostPrint Post


It's a bit hard to stop gnashing your teeth over the past when the past is not that distant and when the actions of the past have a direct bearing on what is happening in the present. A bit hard to stop gnashing your teeth when the actions of the past include the deaths of friends and relatives.

The twin towers attack is in the past. Is it reasonable to expect those who have lost friends and relatives there to simply write the event off simply as a past action.

Pikkle's comments are correct. The past actions of the British army have included the deliberate killing (several at point blank range as they lay injure on the ground) of unarmed civil rights protesters in Derry. No apology was ever issued to the relatives of those killed on Bloody Sunday. The IRA's apology will probably be little comfort to the relatives of the civilians they killed but it is at least an acknowledgment by the IRA that it regrets some of the suffering it has caused. The British government on the other hand maintain (despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary) that it has always been the 'good guy' in Northern Ireland.

Posted on Thursday, July 18, 2002 - 3:59 pm:   Edit PostPrint Post

They probably all worked for me...
Posted on Thursday, July 18, 2002 - 11:17 am:   Edit PostPrint Post

One of my clients came to court for a preliminary hearing to determine if there was enough evidence against her to take the case to the grand jury. She was charged with burglarizing a home. She showed up in court wearing a jacket with, (as if you couldn't guess) the victim's first name sewn into the breast. The jacket was one of the items reported missing from the burglarized home.

I got a man out of jail on probation. He was in Jail for burglary, and had stolen several really stupid items. Like one of those "singing fish" and some cheap knives. He got probation on a friday morning and was arrested the following sunday. He had burglarized a house trailer and when the police arrived he was passed out in the living room wearing the owner's (a female) underwear and nothing else.

Just two weeks ago another of my clients got probated on numerous felonies. One of the conditions of probation is DONT BREAK THE LAW. It is of course, against the law to possess a gun if you are a felon. This guy, three days later, attempted to sell a stolen gun to the same police officer that had arrested him before.

I only have 49 weeks, 1 and 1/2 days left on my public defender contract, and I'm done. Although there is some real entertainment value in this job.
Posted on Thursday, July 18, 2002 - 2:07 am:   Edit PostPrint Post

What's the statute of limitations on something like that?

The US government killed my ancestors (or at least some of them) about 150 years ago.

The Nazi government caused part of my family to flee to the US about 70 years ago.

At what point do we stop gnashing our teeth over the past and deal with the present, or even more important, the future?
Posted on Wednesday, July 17, 2002 - 5:17 pm:   Edit PostPrint Post

More than the British ever, EVER did for all the Irish it murdered for the last 800 years...
Posted on Wednesday, July 17, 2002 - 5:13 pm:   Edit PostPrint Post

Well, the IRA just issued an apology for the civilian casualties they caused, so why not?

"Gee, we're sorry about all the, y'know, blowing up stuff..."
Posted on Monday, July 15, 2002 - 10:40 am:   Edit PostPrint Post

In that case I've been assaulted on numerous ocassions by British Army soldiers when I lived in Northern Ireland. Perhaps I should sue?

Posted on Sunday, July 14, 2002 - 1:49 pm:   Edit PostPrint Post


(If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?)

Pointing a gun at someone is assault, even in the USA.
Posted on Sunday, July 14, 2002 - 5:23 am:   Edit PostPrint Post


A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? $15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?)


A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A FUCK-UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the banker later put a plaque on the wall engraved "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a fuck-up!"


Seems this Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on video tape.


As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied "Yes Officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from. "

MORON NO.5 (Was this you Pikkle?)

The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.


In Kentucky, two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck! Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper. They were quickly arrested.


When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.


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