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Sepulchritude Forum » The Absinthe Forum Archive thru January 2003 » The Monkey Hole » * ALASKA * SEATTLE * TWIN PEAKS * - What I did on my Summer vacation... « Previous Next »

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Posted on Tuesday, July 30, 2002 - 12:46 pm:   Edit PostPrint Post

Wouldn't it have been more fun to force-feed him big black dick until he said he loved the crappy pie?
Posted on Monday, July 29, 2002 - 7:28 am:   Edit PostPrint Post

I represented a bar in bowling green, KY a few years back. I talked them into getting morte subite lambic on tap. They charged $5 a pint and couldn't keep the stuff. Best seller in the entire bar, until the manager robbed them blind and split town.
Posted on Sunday, July 28, 2002 - 2:26 pm:   Edit PostPrint Post

Quote: your heart out Blackjack...

It's probably for the best it was you and not me. It would have ruined the trip when I got hauled into the sherrif's office for beating the skinhead's face agaist the table and force-feeding him pie until he said "I love big black dick!"

I have a very low threshold for Nazis...
Posted on Saturday, July 27, 2002 - 7:58 pm:   Edit PostPrint Post

Some final thoughts from the traveling

End of Story

...oooh ooh ook eek eek ahhhk ahhhkk ahhhkk!!!
Posted on Saturday, July 27, 2002 - 5:04 pm:   Edit PostPrint Post

What I did not see at the Frye Museum.

Posted on Saturday, July 27, 2002 - 4:57 pm:   Edit PostPrint Post

Seattle Street Life:

image of, Rip Van Tinkle(the Side Walk Sprinkler)
So hot his cooling vent was open
all morning

Skidmark Sam (The Skid Row Man)
Holding up a pack of batteries.

"The official batteries of Bill W.
They're A.A.'s!"

Injun Joe (What was the about the Alamo?)
Dead passed out and wedged up against
the Jelli Deli...

Pauncho Villa (Deese Old Louse)
Wearing a tarp as a rain coat

"I.J., I.J.! Whachooo doin' man???
Hey HOLMES! Get up off dee groun' meng!
SHEET?!?!?! You gotta move I.J.! SHEET!!!
You gotta move meng!!!"

White Pariah (The Unknown Messiah)
As I was walking toward the Frye Museum
and older man whose pungent presence
preceeded him said gruntingly without
breaking stride as we passed each other...

"JESUS LOVES YAH! That's all that matters!"

Posted on Friday, July 26, 2002 - 10:33 pm:   Edit PostPrint Post

I love it!
Posted on Friday, July 26, 2002 - 10:36 pm:   Edit PostPrint Post

(A dream come true) your heart out Blackjack...

I asked the waitress if they had Birch syrup.


"Uh? Nuthing I mean." Must've been an Alaskan thing.

I wolfed down my eggs, bacon and hash browns.
Then nibbled on the biscuits and gravy and had
to remind the serving lady to bring out my
short stack.

I woke from my feral feeding frenzy and remembered
I was in the presence of a lady. So I wiped off
my whiskers and offered some B&G's to my breakfast

"Thank you, no." She declined.

It was time to motor. I took a picture of the
deteriorating elephant for Kallisti. It sort
of reminded me of Satine’s place in Moulin Rouge.

We made it to downtown Twin Peaks proper.
Went to the Hallmark store that was reported to be
TP Central(It was about ten years ago when
a friend of mine went). Today, all it has is an
end cap with bumperstickers. We walked all around
the entire store to find that out.


A block away was the Double R diner.

We seated ourselves and Kallisti ordered our
pie. I ordered coffee and chili. The pie. I think
I said...

"That is some DAMN 'adequate' pie."

It was the best tasting foodservice pie filling
I'd had all morning.

The inside of the diner was lined with
Tweety birds.

"Oh now I get it!"


"Tweety! Twede's!!!"

I grimaced as a shaved, shirtless youngster
walked by with swastikas tattooed on his back
like something out of Gummo. Even in a town like
Twin Peaks. Oh well, perhaps it was simply just
a "phase" or statement of rebellion. Like the
other youngster who walked by the diner with an
ice cone blue mohawk.

When I paid the bill I bought two souvenir packs
of Twin Peaks coffee beans. The girl (The ANTI-Shelly)
behind the counter asked if I was a
fan. I said yes. She said "I thought so.
They're always buying weird stuff". Thanks
hon! I said.


We drove around lost for some time. Then managed
to find Ronettes bridge. Ko-Pilot Kallisti wrangled
maps and newsgoup postings to plot the course.

Kallisti didn't tell you about the firecrackers
the surly little locals were firing off. Annoying as hell!!!

stared at us we walked all the way down the bridge
and of onto the dirt path that looked like it went
on forever.

Did I tell you how they stared? Oh they stared!
Like we were monster dogs arriving in New York
City for the first time.

Come to find out they were staring at Kallisti
and not me (damn!). Having a little fun with
it, behind her back I'd make winking faces,
point at her and then point at myself and
give'm a big cheesy smile and a double
"thumb's up!".

We stopped at the Milk Farm or some shit and
got waters. They were advertising that they
had MILK MEAT and TERIYAKI. IT's a good thing we
stopped. Because the rice burner I was driving
was running dangerously low on teriyaki.

Just past the gazebo was the big log. Some
Twin Peaks extra was showing us her Sawyer
Brown concert t-shirt and with wild strange eyes
kept asking us how big the log was. We held
each other tight and snapped nervous
photos of the crazy white woman...

"I goin' over there ta town and ask them how big
that log is! That's what I'm gonna do!!!"

The male said to the boy
“Fide a knowed you were gonna take yer clothes
off I wud’na let you go over there! Come on now!
Don’t forget yer kitty!!!”

We went into a local tavern and cooled our brows
with pints of FAT TIRE Amber...

Let's see. The high school looked like it hadn't
had a manicure in some time. The saw mill was
unidentifiable to me, except for the Sherrif's

Fat Trout Trailer park was looking very trailer.
We drove by the Welcome To TP spot so quick we
missed it. (No Sign of course)

The Salish. The Great Northern.
The waterfall was beautiful. The whole
scene was idyllic. Were it not for the loud little
pakistani children I'd have humped Kallisti
right then and there.

We left there hot and hungry, drove by Hap's
and flew past the Roadhouse.

We went back to Black Angus Inn for steaks and
beers. I had two pints of Moose Drool. Yummmmm!

Then it was time to retire to the sweat box.
Where we wiped ourselves with cold water
towels till we passed out.

An hour before it was time to wake up a cool
breeze blew through the window.

Posted on Friday, July 26, 2002 - 10:20 pm:   Edit PostPrint Post

Lest I forget...

The first place we went to immediately after
our initial meeting at the pier.
Ye Olde Curiosity Shoppe.

Laughing Sailor

Ye Olde Curiosity Shoppe
Check out the picture gallery
Posted on Friday, July 26, 2002 - 12:30 pm:   Edit PostPrint Post

Ages ago (ok, 9 years) I went to Seattle, up the Mountain Loop. There's a Snoqualmie Park up there. No Twin Peaks locations, but by the road are the ruins (just the foundation, really) of a hotel whose heyday was the Prohibition and a two-mile hike behind THAT is a really cool ice cave.

So if you're still in Seattle...
Posted on Friday, July 26, 2002 - 11:43 am:   Edit PostPrint Post

All of the Yardhouse Brewpub & Restaurants have Lindemans Lambic on tap. It's like $8 for a small wineglass of lambic. Yardhouse has restaurants all over Southern California, and they're opening locations in Santa Barbara, SLO, and Oakland. Their list of beers on tap is here:
Posted on Thursday, July 25, 2002 - 11:16 pm:   Edit PostPrint Post

MADDY'S GAZEBO: picture Russ Tamblyn having a heart attack amongst the 13" high shrubbery. It's hilarious.


THE GIANT LOG: A giant log


RONETTE'S BRIDGE: an abandoned trestle bridge. they've actually secured this bridge so you can stroll over it. quite lovely except for the band of surly 12 year old boys jumping off the bridge into the river below. looked like hecka fun, however. I really woulda liked to have posed in my nightie smeared with blood for this one. But I fear that would have been too much for the youngsters.

ronette's bridge

Oh, and did I mention it was even hotter on Monday? gah! it was 90 fricken degrees. And our motel without any a/c!!

And all good things must come to an end. We laughed, we cried ... we fanned ourselves into senselessness.

Good night, sweet Head, good night.
Posted on Thursday, July 25, 2002 - 11:06 pm:   Edit PostPrint Post

THE MILL & SHERIFFS' OFFICE: some mill. the sheriff's office is actually the headquarters of the Mill.


Posted on Thursday, July 25, 2002 - 11:03 pm:   Edit PostPrint Post

THE GREAT NORTHERN HOTEL: Snoqualmie Falls and the Salish Lodge. Only the exterior of this site was used. The interior of the Great Northern is in some other far off place we couldn't get to.

Posted on Thursday, July 25, 2002 - 10:57 pm:   Edit PostPrint Post

The approach to North Bend is majestic. Si Mountain rises straight out of the forest behind the town and is truly stunning. However, as Head pointed out near the end of our tour, seeing the "sights" made us realize what superstars the people who do production on these shows are. As there is not really much to see or do out there.

THE DOUBLE R DINER: Twede's w/ Mt. Si rising in the distance.

They had a fire a couple years ago and since have done considerable renovation to the insides. The long and short of which it don't look a thing like it did in the show no mo'. It's all white with acoustic ceiling and decor done entirely in red, white and blue to match their coca-cola advertising coffee mugs, I s'pose.


And their damn mediocre cup of coffee & cherry pie ... their pie is most definately not the home made of yore. without half the presentation (that slice is exactly how it arrived at our table). However, back by the toilets there is a gallery of Twin Peaks photos.

Posted on Thursday, July 25, 2002 - 10:42 pm:   Edit PostPrint Post


Monday we got all our internet downloaded maps together and usenet posting notes and headed out to North Bend & Snoqualmie Falls for the sleepy, yawny Twin Peaks tour. Not before breakfast however. I had spotted a silly diner the previous day blocks from our motel that was sure to tickle our retro kitschy funny bones. 60's schtick to an extreme. The prices were good and the food not awful! I had to reign in my giggle fits as Head ordered his breakfast: 2 eggs w/ bacon & hashbrown units, side of pancakes AND a side of biscuits and gravy. My growing boy!!! Can he eat, or what. teeeheee.

We should have gotten a picture of this joint. However it was the flower shop next door that had me in stitches:

Posted on Thursday, July 25, 2002 - 10:31 pm:   Edit PostPrint Post

now it's my turn ...


I arrived at the Amtrak station late-ish Saturday evening, where Zman was oh so kind enough to scoop me up at the downtown Seattle station and deposit me at our motel in the outer reaches of the city. Not before making a late night pit stop at a Seattle institution ... was it Dick's Burgers??? Or some such. In any case, a hold over from the glory days of 50's drive in burger joints. Where the burgers are still $1.30 and you can either have it with mayonaise-pickle-lettuce slop or without. NO IN BETWEENS OR SPECIAL ORDERS, NO HOW. heh. The perky teen burger hop however perkily offered me a spoon to scrape it off if it was not to my liking. My consternation turned to giggles and all was happy.


I met the Head Master late Sunday morning at the pier where he disembarked from the cruise ship. And dang, no one ever told me seattle was HOT!?!?! and muggy, sheesh. I put $20 dollars worth of product in my hair and by the time I actually got down there I might as well have been wearing a large orange yak hair blanket around my shoulders. Sigh.

Coming face to face with the inimitable Head is like meeting la Chupacabra, Sasquatch, or the Figi Mermaid. There's so much myth attached to the man you don't know what to expect. So when our first order of the day was to pick up the car and go shopping, I was relieved and the creepy x-files music in my head faded out. Let the joy begin.

We attempted to walk around for a bit on the water front but it was hot and I had made the mistake of wearing clothes, silly me!

For both of us our first stop of choice was Seattle's famous Archie McPhee's ( ... where we spent two hours giggling and dashing from bin to bin of rubber eyes, electronic switches, body bags etc.

For afternoon treats we hooked up with Zman & Sman for bumpy speedy boat fun, and were only 2 hours late getting started. It was quite lovely, I squeaked every time we hit a particularly big wave, which made the boys giggle. And Gents, warn yer ladies that such excursions require sports bras, please!!! They kept asking me if I was cold. hahaha!

Head, stop laughing.

We were then carted back to their lovely home, introduced to their lady wives and fed grilled burgers, gorgeous green brew, and some of the best chickenwings & baked beans ever. Oh, and I was eaten alive by mosquitos.


The Seattle forum contingent feted us in a truly generous and selfless manner, with much laughter, quaffing, and deliciousness in every regard. I tip my braids to you!!!

it was a balmy midnight when we finally made it back to the motel ...

Posted on Thursday, July 25, 2002 - 9:16 pm:   Edit PostPrint Post

Yeah... sure don't get no boob flashes!
Posted on Thursday, July 25, 2002 - 9:07 pm:   Edit PostPrint Post

Ketchikan - I went to a lot of different places in Ketchikan. The best
was Dolly's House.


A local woman of pleasure who ran a one woman
whorehouse. Her hook was that she'd bring in from Canada the "Good"
whiskey. How about that? Sex and alcohol? Who'd a thought the two
would go so well together. Dolly had a bunch of flowers on her curtains
in the washroom. They were made of silk condoms from France. Imagine

Blooming Sieve

SHEEEEEEET! Dolly had some Monkey ass monkeys too!


Ketchikan was mainly tourist stores but a refreshing place nontheless. I missed
a couple of photo ops, the BURGER QUEEN restaurant and a picture of
a fading beauty that was taped up on the cooler at Foscle Bar. She was flipping
a double bird at the camera man. Well, if I didn’t know better I’d say Pikkle
had taken that photo. (If you're listening Pikks, to hell with those mill pictures,
publish all the shots of the girls flipping you off! Those are gems).
Posted on Thursday, July 25, 2002 - 8:40 pm:   Edit PostPrint Post

Haines - Very small and spread out. Went on a "Taste of Haines"
excursion. Sounds pretty gross if you hadn't see the spelling of it.
Went to a small, small, brewery that makes about 6 barrels of
beer a year. It's in a building that is part of movie set from the
film WHITE FANG. Haines bought them and moved them to the fairgrounds
and now they are home to small businesses. The guy was a tall, fuzzy
(alot of white male Alaskans are very fuzzy) and made some mighty fine
beer. His extra special reserve (which is not available) was the best.
He and I sparked up a conversation over his Hanson Brothers action

Haines Brew

Haines has one chain store. A little Radio Shack in the middle
of nowhere, likely a franchise.

For the second half of the tour we went to Dejon Delights. Started by
a couple named Deanne and John or something. They smoke fish in an old
navy building that used to have a morgue in the basement. Cool.
The lady was wetting herself cutting up salmon for us. She kept
pulling it out of the case and saying "here eat it up!" I asked her
about the white king salmon "Oh I'm so glad you asked." pulls out
another package "Here! Eat it up". I noticed another in the case
called Lookout Stout Smoked Salmon. Which was a Stout from the Haines
Brewing Company. "Hey what about this" I asked our tour guide
"Wouldn't this wrap up the tour real nice-like?". The salmon lady
looked at us and "Eeeeeep!" whips it out "EAT IT UP, EAT IT UP!!!"
Posted on Thursday, July 25, 2002 - 8:36 pm:   Edit PostPrint Post

Oh yeah! Whore's Douche Bottle...

Louchey Douchey

Guess! YUP! Laudanum...

Just imagine, Johnny Depp was drinking douche
water for kicks.
Posted on Thursday, July 25, 2002 - 8:32 pm:   Edit PostPrint Post

Hump Here!

Skagway - Curiously named, it's famous for their prostitutes. Went
on the Red Onion Saloon tour. Where a feisty young filly showed us the
"whore house" part of the saloon. They had an ivory bottle that held
Laudanum in it. Apparently, the girls used it to douche with to keep
from getting pregnant.

After the tour it was fun to watch the girls that worked there come in
and get dressed behind the bar. The bartender would help them with
their corsets and lace'm all high and tight.

No boobs, BOOBS, no boobs, BOOBS, no boobs, BOOBS...

Found a local diner three streets over from the tourist strip. Ahhhh!
really bad food, reminded me of home.

While I was at a different tavern on the water eating raw oysters,
drinking good beer and staring at the bras that were tossed up into
the crab nets on the ceiling, my traveling companions were stuck up
on a glacier for two and a half hours wondering if the fog was going
to lift so they could get out of there. Hahaha... They should'a been
drinking beers instead of being "fake" adventurers.
Posted on Thursday, July 25, 2002 - 8:26 pm:   Edit PostPrint Post

Juneau Deese Guys?

Juneau - Panned for gold. Got enough to cover the heads of about
a dozen pins. That was from about 3 cups of riverbed dirt. Found
out later that people don't make money panning for gold, they make
money turning that gold into touristy gifts. Like snowglobes and
refrigerator magnets.

Feeling parched. I stepped into a place called Viking Lounge and pull tabs or
some shit. I sat there for about 5 minutes before the barmaid even came over to
see me. I asked what they had on draft. She tossed a menu at me. She was a real
beaut! I think her name was Trailerhontas or Princess No Grace. She was
weathered and rough. She was talking to a bunch of other rough looking women
and after about ten more minutes, right about the time I was going to leave she says
“I better get this guy a drink before he gets up and leaves”. The chorus of harpies
chimed in “YEAH Get the guy a GODDAMN BEER, WILLYA???”

“You read my mind” I said.

Bang The Fucker!!!

Juneau has a replica of the Liberty Bell. I fucked it hard. I took a
picture of it (not me fucking it though). It was in front of the
capital building. It's the only capital building without
a domed roof and the only one WITH a basketball hoop mounted on the
staircase in the back lot.

Went to a place called Twisted Fish and got the low down on the town by
a guy named Elgin. We hit it off real quick (based on his disbelief
of my age and disbelief of my being on a cruise at my age). He said
living in Juneau in the winter is like being in a long episode of
Days Of Our Lives as if Rod Serling had written the script.

The restaurant is attached to Taku Smokeries and they had these fish
on the ceiling painted up like hot rods, black with flames. I ordered
a Salmon Filet and was lucky enough to get the rare and coveted "White
King Salmon". It's the filet mignon of Salmon.

Was completly saddened to hear Eminem blaring from a car
driving by...
Posted on Thursday, July 25, 2002 - 8:23 pm:   Edit PostPrint Post

It's been about 18 years since I took a long ass
vacation. Trips here and there for a few days at
a time have been scattered. This was nearly two
weeks away from work. Not once did I miss my

I went to Alaska. Spent four days in Seattle
and met up with Zman and Sman and met my Dear

This was the view from my hotel room when I
intially arrived in Seattle. My face print is
etched into the glass from staring out.


I really enjoyed walking around Seattle prior to the
cruise. That is one cool city. I had a blast with Zman
and Sman. We went to about four or five bars. One was
a brew pub that had Lindemans Lambic ON TAP!!! They're the
only one because they are the distributor or something. I must
go back and drink gallons.
It was that "pant pissing" fuckin' good.

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