The Log Song

Sepulchritude Forum: The Absinthe Forum Archives Thru July 2001: The Log Song
By Head_Prosthesis on Sunday, November 18, 2001 - 08:42 pm: Edit

Lynch loves his Logs

By Verawench on Sunday, November 18, 2001 - 08:32 pm: Edit

logslogslogs

By Head_Prosthesis on Thursday, November 15, 2001 - 08:27 pm: Edit

With Love Lottie

By Head_Prosthesis on Thursday, November 15, 2001 - 08:23 pm: Edit

"Wake up Lottie, it's almost time for the show!"

I'm Lottie the Human Log and I am
happy to entertain you if I can.

When I was young I was just like you
With legs that ended inside of my shoes
When daddy dissapeared my momma started drinkin'
And she ran a stop-sign
And cracked up out Lincoln

She was killed in the crash
And also my legs
Got all chewed-up
Just like scrambled eggs!

One day watching lumberjacks
Near our cabin
I met-up with one with one who said he had been
Lonely until he saw my face!
He was tall and made me feel awful safe.
He said I reminded him of his mommy
And his name was Too-Tall Texas Tommy, woohoo!

After granny died we got married and I
Was deeply in love with that giant guy.
Our lives were sweet and our roses were red
And soon we had ourselves a baby named Ted
But two things happened, before too long
That turned my rightness into wrong.

At first it was only a wrinkle or two
But soon my skin resembled prunes.
But that was nothing next to the tree
That crushed poor Tommy as he rescued me!
I wish that I had died instead
And maybe I would've except for Ted
I was so far down and near to death
That I had to go up just to be depressed!

One day Ted and me passed the county fair
And I stopped in in spite of all the stares
At first it was nice to see Ted having fun
But I never expected to feel so stunned
As I did right after both of us went
To see something called "Freaks" inside of a tent
They were scraps of humanity, banded together
Like grandma's quilt! And after that I never
Went back to the cabin but found a new home
Where we were took in the way dogs take in bones.

Now I'm Lottie the Human Log and I hope that
I entertained all of you wonderful folks!
I really have much left to say
Except to watch out for what you throw away!
Even a slimy and crusty old sock
Can knock out a crook if you fill it with rocks!

Bye-bye, and don't forget to say...
TIMBER!

By Verawench on Thursday, November 15, 2001 - 08:02 pm: Edit

Although the Flannel and Sap series have some camp value...

By Mr_Rabid on Thursday, November 15, 2001 - 07:52 pm: Edit

Or cheap, grainy b-grade 'logger films.'

Screaming birches unable to get away, and sawdust everywhere. And the killer always strikes when the victims are pollinating.

By Verawench on Thursday, November 15, 2001 - 07:49 pm: Edit

Worse yet, you end up doing embarrassing arbophelia porn.

By Mr_Rabid on Thursday, November 15, 2001 - 05:19 pm: Edit

It's got to be tough for a log to get work in Hollywood.

You got Ren and Stimpy, Twin Peaks, then what?

Sitting around in a dim bar, wasting your life away while your bark peels off, doing shots of maple syrup and waiting for work.

Dark thoughts of campfires intrude, you pass out, and wake up as a box of toothpicks.

By Verawench on Thursday, November 15, 2001 - 03:28 pm: Edit

I wonder where that log is now... still going strong I bet.

By Head_Prosthesis on Thursday, November 15, 2001 - 02:26 pm: Edit

This log is your log,
This log is my log,
When lightening struck it,
It kicked the bucket.
I poured some onions,
Inside my trousers!

This log, it used to be a tree,
Now it spreads love to you and me,
Hey look, it's heading out to sea.

By Verawench on Tuesday, November 13, 2001 - 09:44 am: Edit

And now kids, it's time for...

"
What rolls down stairs
Alone or in pairs...
Rolls over your neighbor's dog?
What's great for a snack
And fits on your back?
It's Log! Log! Log!
It's Lo-og, it's Lo-og
It's big, it's heavy
It's wood!
It's Lo-og, Lo-og
It's better than bad
It's good!!!
AIMEE: Tout le monde aime le Log!
SVEN: Yah shure. It's really fun.
NEW YORKER: I got your log right here.
Everyone wants a log!
Everyone needs a log!
You're gonna love it LOG!
Yes sir, I like it!"

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