An old joke but still as funny as ever (apologies to any nationalities not insulted)

Sepulchritude Forum: The Absinthe Forum Thru December 2001: An old joke but still as funny as ever (apologies to any nationalities not insulted)
By Crosby on Thursday, November 15, 2001 - 11:06 pm: Edit

Verawench,
It's from Tropic of Cancer, Henry Miller.

By Verawench on Thursday, November 15, 2001 - 07:54 pm: Edit

Hey Crosby, where is your quote from?

By Crosby on Thursday, November 15, 2001 - 04:03 pm: Edit

Q:How many Chinese people does it take to build a wall?
A:Who cares, it's not like we're running out.

By Geoffk on Tuesday, November 13, 2001 - 08:24 pm: Edit

A drunk is sitting in a bar and this old lady with a little chihuahua dog comes in, sits on the stool next to him and puts the dog on the floor between them. Suddenly, the drunk bends over and pukes his guts out, all over the dog.

When he's done, the drunk looks down at the floor, sees the little dog, covered in puke and says "Jeez!! I don't remember eating THAT..."

-- Geoff K.

By Verawench on Tuesday, November 13, 2001 - 07:21 pm: Edit

dunkinchrist

By Louched_Liver on Tuesday, November 13, 2001 - 07:07 pm: Edit

Alcohol+english=American.

By Heiko on Tuesday, November 13, 2001 - 06:54 pm: Edit

"Love is all you need - or, failing that, alcohol! (Wendy Cope)"


advertisement of the "English Stammtisch" - a group of professors and students from Tübingen who meet for English conversation and attract newbies with free gin.

By Heiko on Saturday, November 10, 2001 - 09:31 am: Edit

...what work boots?

By Bob_Chong on Saturday, November 10, 2001 - 09:26 am: Edit

Q: How do you starve a welfare recipient?


A: Put his food stamps under his work boots.

By Lordhobgoblin on Saturday, November 10, 2001 - 03:39 am: Edit

Women like silent men. they think they are listening! (Marcel Achard)

By Lordhobgoblin on Saturday, November 10, 2001 - 03:26 am: Edit

* Jesse Jackson, Jim Bakker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book....it's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

* Definition of a teenager: God's punishment for enjoying sex.

* A Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

By Lordhobgoblin on Saturday, November 10, 2001 - 03:15 am: Edit

One bright sunny morning, a husband turns to his lovely wife and says "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend. You, me and the dog!"

The wife grimaces "But I don't like fishing!"

"Look! We're going fishing and that's final"

"Do I have to go fishing with you, I really don't want to go!"

"Right," the husband says "I'll give you three choices :

1. You come fishing with me and the dog.

2. You give me a Blow Job.

3. You take it up the arse!"

The wife grimaces again "But I don't want to do any of those things!"

"Wife I've given you three options. You'll have to choose one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"

The wife sits and thinks about it. Twenty minutes later her husband comes back.

"Well! What have you decided? Fishing with me and the dog, blow job, or up the arse!!?"

The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind.

"O.K. l'll give you a blow job!"

"Great!" he says and drops his trousers. The wife is on her knees doing the business... she stops... looks up at her husband...

"Oh, It tastes absolutely disgusting. It tastes all shitty!"

"Yes" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."

By Dr_Ordinaire on Friday, November 09, 2001 - 11:38 pm: Edit

Vera, that's such an hermetic - or is it emetic? - joke...

This one is not ethnic, so sue me.

The teacher asks the children to tell a story and derive a moral from that story.

So little Susie raises her hand. "Yesterday we were bringing our eggs to market in one basket. We hit a pothole, the basket tipped and most of the eggs were broken."

OK - said the teacher - and what is the moral?

Don't put all your eggs in one basket.

Very good - said the teacher - now you, Annie.

Well - said Annie - we put twenty eggs in the incubator and we hoped to have twenty chicken, but some didn't hatch.

Very well, Annie, and the moral is?

Don't count your chickens before they hatch.

Well, now you, Jamie.

Well -said Jamie - my uncle Harry fought in Vietnam. He was a pilot. His airplane was hit and he had to jump. He had with him an assault rifle, a machete and a six pack of beer. While he was floating down to earth he drank the beer. He landed in the midst of ONE HUNDRED Viet Cong.

First he killed 80 of them with the machine gun, but he ran out of bullets. Then he killed 15 of the rest with his machete, but the blade broke. The last five he killed with his bare hands and teeth.

My God, Jamie - said the appalled teacher - what moral could you possibly get from this story?


Never fuck with Uncle Harry when he's drunk...

By Wolfgang on Friday, November 09, 2001 - 09:59 pm: Edit

Lordhob is a good story teller, he told me exactly what I wanted to read ;-)

By Verawench on Friday, November 09, 2001 - 05:02 pm: Edit

What do american beer and making love in a boat have in common?

By Dr_Ordinaire on Friday, November 09, 2001 - 04:21 pm: Edit

OK, let's push some PC buttons here...


Two blacks, one Mexican and one Puerto Rican are in a car. Who's driving?
-
-


The police.

By Perruche_Verte on Friday, November 09, 2001 - 12:57 pm: Edit

OK, not to neglect any nationalities... or religions...

There was this Welshman who disappeared without a trace in a shipwreck. 30 years later he was found living comfortably by himself on a desert isle.

A Welsh journalist came to interview him as he packed his few possessions and prepared to leave. Dai gave him the grand tour of his tidy little bark hut, garden, and up on a hill, a tidy little bark chapel he'd constructed for Sunday worship.

The journalist noticed that directly across from it, on another, lower hill, stood another, nearly identical chapel.

Dai bach, he said, TWO chapels?

Dai glanced at the other one from the corner of his eye. I won't be seen in that one, he said.

By Lordhobgoblin on Friday, November 09, 2001 - 11:10 am: Edit

What's the difference between the Pope and your boss?

The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

By Lordhobgoblin on Friday, November 09, 2001 - 11:08 am: Edit

Wolfgang,

The Irish woman is also unaccounted for, most probably a mini lesbian orgy.

Anyway another tale this time with a moral for us all.

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, so long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put TO DEATH

The question was: "WHAT DO WOMEN REALLY WANT?"

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, and the court jester. In all, he spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, and smelt like a watery fart, often made obscene noises...etc. He had never run across such a repugnant creature.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question:

"What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life."

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it went. The neighboring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom.

What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display, and generally made everyone very uncomfortable.

The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened.The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she'd been a witch, half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self,and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day, and which during the night?

What a cruel question! Gawain began to think of his predicament: During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments?

What would you do ??? -what Gawain chose follows below, but don"t read until you've made your choice .
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Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time,because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.

What is the moral of this story?

The moral is that it doesn't matter if your woman is pretty or ugly, underneath it all, she's still a WITCH and don't you forget it.

By Lordhobgoblin on Friday, November 09, 2001 - 10:41 am: Edit

It's good to see some humour on the forum. Makes a change from all the earnestness and self-righteousness that tends to prevail.

By Dr_Ordinaire on Thursday, November 08, 2001 - 12:11 pm: Edit

Oh, yes, some politically incorrect ethnic jokes!

Q. How do you know Jesus was Argentine?

A. He lived with his parents till he was 30.
His mother thought he was God.
He thought his mother was a virgin.


BTW, this joke would definitely apply to Italians, and to Irish, and probably to most Catholic countries.

By Wormwood on Thursday, November 08, 2001 - 12:04 pm: Edit

Q: Why don't they teach "sexual education" and "drivers education" on the same day in Afgan schools?

A: Its too hard on the camels.

By Petermarc on Tuesday, November 06, 2001 - 03:15 pm: Edit

it's just in the consuming part where the cruelty
comes in...

By Heiko on Tuesday, November 06, 2001 - 02:41 pm: Edit

Incredible, it really says

"Produced and tested without cruelty to humans"

By Wolfgang on Tuesday, November 06, 2001 - 01:38 pm: Edit

Another joke I read on www.labohemme.uk.com :


Absinthe Original 75cl, 70% alc. vol.

Without doubt, this is simply the finest Absinthe available. In its elegant new bottle, it looks good, it tastes good, it is good. Made by craftsmen distillers in the Czech Republic to a secret 200 year old Swiss recipe, it is said by connoisseurs to compare with the rarest French cognacs. Only the highest quality ingredients are used in its manufacture and it is guaranteed to bee free of artificial colourants and chemicals. Drink it with a little sugar and water or as a base for your favourite cocktail. Either way, La Boheme Absinthe is one of life's great pleasures.
Produced and tested without cruelty to humans.


LOL

By Heiko on Tuesday, November 06, 2001 - 01:10 pm: Edit

Really good - I didn't know it and immediately spread it to all the contacts in my address book.

Now that not only all nationalities but also women have been insulted, we might as well start to insult other minorities. Like anti-alcoholics. A fable that I recently laughed my ass off about is James Thurber's 'The Bear Who Let It Alone'. Maybe you all know it, but I think repeating also can't hurt:

---
In the woods of the Far West there once lived a brown bear who could take it or let it alone. He would go into a bar where they sold mead, a fermented drink made of honey, and he would have just two drinks. Then he would put some money on the bar and say, "See what the bears in the back room will have," and he would go home. But finally he took to drinking by himself most of the day. He would reel home at night, kick over the umbrella stand, knock down the bridge lamps, and ram his elbows through the windows. Then he would collapse on the floor and lie there until he went to sleep. His wife was greatly distressed and his children were very frightened.

At length the bear saw the error of his ways and began to reform. In the end he became a famous teetotaler and a persistent temperance lecturer. He would tell everybody that came to his house about the awful effects of drink, and he would boast about how strong and well he had become since he gave up touching the stuff. To demonstrate this, he would stand on his head and on his hands and he would turn cartwheels in the house, kicking over the umbrella stand, knocking down the bridge lamps, and ramming his elbows through the windows. Then he would lie down on the floor, tired by his healthful exercise, and go to sleep. His wife was greatly distressed and his children were very frightened.

Moral: You might as well fall flat on your face as lean over too far backward.
---

By Heiko on Tuesday, November 06, 2001 - 12:57 pm: Edit

I suspect that all the other women are doing alike the American women?

By Wolfgang on Tuesday, November 06, 2001 - 11:59 am: Edit

And what happen with the New Zealand and the Japanese women ? Please include a pictural decription...

By Lordhobgoblin on Tuesday, November 06, 2001 - 11:25 am: Edit

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
2 New Zealand men and 1 New Zealand woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having loads of sex.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfilment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes here are low and it is not raining.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.

The two Australian men beat each other senseless fighting over the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men, after calling them both 'bloody wankers".

Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.

The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the English aren't getting any.

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