Halfassed Monkey Boys - Apply Within

Sepulchritude Forum: The Absinthe Forum Thru December 2001: Halfassed Monkey Boys - Apply Within
By Don_Walsh on Saturday, October 06, 2001 - 02:51 am: Edit

Head: that's Ted evil, non identical twin brother Fred Breaux. He's a warlock. When Ted sold his soul for the secret of absinthe, Fred brokered the deal.

I just kibbitzed.

As to Kim and Pyewacket, I'd happily give them all the absinthe they can eat.

(Convincing Kim Novak impersonators (biological female only - I'm old fashioned) welcome too.

By Head_Prosthesis on Friday, October 05, 2001 - 08:42 pm: Edit

Alchemy for what ails ya'!!!

By Head_Prosthesis on Friday, October 05, 2001 - 06:18 pm: Edit

Ring the Bell, Close the Book, Quench the Candle...

By Head_Prosthesis on Friday, October 05, 2001 - 06:00 pm: Edit

DON, DON, LOOK INTO MY EYES!!!

By Lordhobgoblin on Sunday, September 30, 2001 - 12:53 am: Edit

Zack,

I'm very pleased to here that my balls are not to your tastes.

Hobgoblin

By Zack on Saturday, September 29, 2001 - 09:22 pm: Edit

Hob,

"My balls would be far to big for you to chew on. Your own balls would be a better idea (if you could only find them) you could skewer them with cocktail sticks and pretend they were pickled onions (on second thoughts no, your balls would be more like capers than pickled onions)."

Don't be so teste. Although I do like battered balls, I believe I will stick to the young bovine variety...soggy old Irish balls don't much appeal to me.

By Head_Prosthesis on Saturday, September 29, 2001 - 07:41 pm: Edit

Thailand Girls in Catsuits? Send photos!!!

By Don_Walsh on Saturday, September 29, 2001 - 07:35 pm: Edit

Head, find yourself a good video store and watch that movie. You will not regret it.

And yes, Kim Novak always had the same effect on me, as well.

As to catsuits, well, that's just workaday kink round here.

By Head_Prosthesis on Saturday, September 29, 2001 - 07:05 pm: Edit

My Mumma loved that movie. I never saw it.

As a boy, Kim Novak woke up feelings in me that I didn't understand, like the urge to lick the television tube when ever she was on screen. Same goes for Julie Newmar, I so love a woman in a cat suit.

By Don_Walsh on Saturday, September 29, 2001 - 06:53 pm: Edit

So, Head. You like old Kim Novak movies?

I know which cat Pyewacket was.

"Bell, Book, and Candle"

James Stewart
Kim Novak
Jack Lemmon

Good stuff!

By Thegreenimp on Saturday, September 29, 2001 - 11:07 am: Edit

The perfect place for Rowen and Martin to discuss their balls: http:www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/Canal/3538/ateballs.html
Enjoy
Jay

By Lordhobgoblin on Saturday, September 29, 2001 - 10:02 am: Edit

Zack,

"Yeah...I'm gonna have to take your balls now."

My balls would be far to big for you to chew on. Your own balls would be a better idea (if you could only find them) you could skewer them with cocktail sticks and pretend they were pickled onions (on second thoughts no, your balls would be more like capers than pickled onions).

Hobgoblin

By Head_Prosthesis on Saturday, September 29, 2001 - 06:16 am: Edit

You two are funnier than Rowen & Martin.

By Zack on Saturday, September 29, 2001 - 04:37 am: Edit

"Or perhaps I should have added a smiley (the killer of both humour and language). It would seem that this is the only way some people can recognise a joke."

Yeah...I'm gonna have to take your balls now.

By Lordhobgoblin on Saturday, September 29, 2001 - 04:18 am: Edit

Zack,

I take it then that comedy is not a strong point of the people of Texas. Too bad as laughter is one of life's great pleasures. All that earnestness will put one in an early grave (and make one boring).

We shouldn't take ourselves so seriously, we're really not all that important (not even in Texas).

Or perhaps I should have added a smiley (the killer of both humour and language). It would seem that this is the only way some people can recognise a joke.

Hobgoblin

By Zack on Saturday, September 29, 2001 - 01:32 am: Edit

Hob,

I was going light. I'm not sure where it's written, but I think I was supposed to batter, fry, then eat your balls with some hot sauce...

"I didn't think Texans lacked the ability to laugh at themselves."

Hmmm...well, now I know you have never been to Texas, and don't plan on coming anytime soon.

By Lordhobgoblin on Saturday, September 29, 2001 - 01:25 am: Edit

Zack,

Lighten up for God's sake. It's a joke. I didn't think Texans lacked the ability to laugh at themselves.

Hobgoblin

By Zack on Saturday, September 29, 2001 - 01:07 am: Edit

Hey Hob,

"Perhaps (for self defense purposes) I'll arm myself with an automatic weapon and blow the shit out of any living creature I see in the good ole Texan style."

Fuck You.

I have (partially) agreed with almost everything you have said up to this point. And, I do blow the shit out of living creatures, but only the ones I like the taste of (mostly deer and dove), and only ones I will consume.

I've lived in Texas for over 20 years and I have never seen a fully automatic weapon (in person) in my life.

Just because it's Americans you pick on, doesn't make you any less racist.

By Lordhobgoblin on Saturday, September 29, 2001 - 12:29 am: Edit

Head, Vera,

I've never thought of it like that, maybe animals are really out to get me (ungrateful bastards as I've now become a vegetarian). Perhaps (for self defense purposes) I'll arm myself with an automatic weapon and blow the shit out of any living creature I see in the good ole Texan style.

As for children while not having any of my own I have 33 of them between 9am and 3pm. I thought they liked me but maybe they're liars. I'll now have to keep a loaded pistol in my desk drawer just in case they try to decapitate me when my back is turned. We had a knife amnesty this week and none of my class handed any in. At the time this pleased me but perhaps they're just keeping their knives so that they can do me in.

Hobgoblin

By Barsnake on Friday, September 28, 2001 - 09:16 am: Edit

I sat my monkey on a log
and ordered him to do the dog
he wagged his tail and shool his head
and went and did the cat instead

he's a weird monkey
very funky

- B Dylan

By Tavarua on Friday, September 28, 2001 - 06:26 am: Edit

Head,

What's your problem, I said "buda bump bump." What more do want from me.

By Chevalier on Thursday, September 27, 2001 - 05:07 pm: Edit

When done well, there's nothing more effective. MAD magazine spoon-fed these kinds of parodies to generations of kids. Made me prematurely jaded.

By Head_Prosthesis on Thursday, September 27, 2001 - 04:53 pm: Edit

That was too long to read but I get the point.
It's the curse of unique personal style. People seem to think that if worked so well for the author it will work well for them. Parody and imitation is one thing, stealing someones personal "signature" due to a lack of creative thought is another.

I have to admit on a few sad days I've done it myself.

By Chevalier on Thursday, September 27, 2001 - 04:40 pm: Edit

Why does every disaster spawn a "Spin-Dr. Seuss-in-his-grave" scribble?
Read it and wince.

Every U down in Uville liked U.S. a lot,
But the Binch, who lived Far East of Uville, did not.
The Binch hated U.S! the whole U.S. way!
Now don't ask me why, for nobody can say,
It could be his turban was screwed on too tight.
Or the sun from the desert had beaten too bright
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.

But, whatever the reason, his heart or his turban,
He stood facing Uville, the part that was urban.
"They're doing their business," he snarled from his perch.
"They're raising their families! They're going to church!
They're leading the world, and their empire is thriving,
I MUST keep the S's and U's from surviving!"

Tomorrow, he knew, all the U's and the S's,
Would put on their pants and their shirts and their dresses,
They'd go to their offices, playgrounds and schools,
And abide by their U and S values and rules,

And then they'd do something he liked least of all,
Every U down in U-ville, the tall and the small,
Would stand all united, each U and each S,
And they'd sing Uville's anthem, "God bless us! God bless!"
All around their Twin Towers of Uville, they'd stand,
and their voices would drown every sound in the land.

"I must stop that singing," Binch said with a smirk,
And he had an idea--an idea that might work!
The Binch stole some U airplanes in U morning hours,
And crashed them right into the Uville Twin Towers.
"They'll wake to disaster!" he snickered, so sour,
"And how can they sing when they can't find a tower?"

The Binch cocked his ear as they woke from their sleeping,
All set to enjoy their U-wailing and weeping,
Instead he heard something that started quite low,
And it built up quite slow, but it started to grow--
And the Binch heard the most unpredictable thing...
And he couldn't believe it--they started to sing!

He stared down at U-ville, not trusting his eyes,
What he saw was a shocking, disgusting surprise!
Every U down in U-ville, the tall and the small,
Was singing! Without any towers at all!
He HADN'T stopped U-Ville from singing! It sung!
For down deep in the hearts of the old and the young,
Those Twin Towers were standing, called Hope and called Pride,
And you can't smash the towers we hold deep inside.

So we circle the sites where our heroes did fall,
With a hand in each hand of the tall and the small,
And we mourn for our losses while knowing we'll cope,
For we still have inside that U-Pride and U-Hope.

For America means a bit more than tall towers,
It means more than wealth or political powers,
It's more than our enemies ever could guess,
So may God bless America! Bless us! God bless!

(The Grinch -- not the %#*% "Binch" -- is the half-assed monkey boy of childhood.)

By Head_Prosthesis on Thursday, September 27, 2001 - 04:21 pm: Edit

Was that supposed to be funny?

By Tavarua on Thursday, September 27, 2001 - 07:46 am: Edit

Pye not wacket, buda bump bump?

By Head_Prosthesis on Thursday, September 27, 2001 - 07:16 am: Edit

That reminds me of the long haired black cat I had, Pyewacket

By Heiko on Thursday, September 27, 2001 - 06:55 am: Edit

I knew a cat who would try to kill you if you touched its butt or belly. It was of course a tomcat - very large, very strong, fierce and all black. My pet of choice when I was about 6 years old ;-)
The first weeks this cat scared my mom to death, but then we all got used to having a mean black fight machine who was hungry all day long even if he had just stolen a whole chicken from the kitchen. Now, only the scars that remained on our arms and faces remind us of him...

By Verawench on Wednesday, September 26, 2001 - 10:54 pm: Edit

"Cats are funny if you do anything to thier butts!!!!!"

It's called the ass button.

Anyway, I am opposed to any pet which cannot, at least in theory, perch itself on your shoulder and make visitors uncomfortable with a fixed glare.

By Perruche_Verte on Wednesday, September 26, 2001 - 10:32 pm: Edit

Seriously, anything with teeth (or a bill) can and will bite you if you annoy it enough. My parakeet has two varieties of bite, the playful kind while he's wrestling my finger, and the kind where he really means it. That bite is rare, and it's because I've frightened him somehow.

Parakeets are flightier and more nervous than the larger parrots (think little dog vs. mid-sized dog) but still make great pets.

By Grimbergen on Wednesday, September 26, 2001 - 10:31 pm: Edit

Good thing I found out when I did!

By Perruche_Verte on Wednesday, September 26, 2001 - 10:26 pm: Edit

You can only give so much love to young children and small animals before the police pay you a visit.

By Grimbergen on Wednesday, September 26, 2001 - 10:21 pm: Edit

"I've always heard that the measure of a person is based on the love that one receives from young children and small animals."

SHIT! I got all confused. I thought that the measure of a person is based on the love that he GIVES to young children and small animals.

Grim

By Uncle on Wednesday, September 26, 2001 - 09:48 pm: Edit

Cats are funny if you do anything to thier butts!!!!!

By _Blackjack on Wednesday, September 26, 2001 - 09:42 pm: Edit


Quote:

And cats are fierce, sensuous and independent



And they wiggle all funny when you scratch them on the butt...

By Head_Prosthesis on Wednesday, September 26, 2001 - 07:13 pm: Edit

Or "(fill in the blank) are Bastards" for that matter...

By Head_Prosthesis on Wednesday, September 26, 2001 - 06:57 pm: Edit

You know any story that starts with "Monkeys are Bastards" is going to be a good one.

By Verawench on Wednesday, September 26, 2001 - 06:46 pm: Edit

My guess is that the winsome little rodent was going for a major artery.

Any children ever try to decapitate you in your sleep, Hob?

By Head_Prosthesis on Wednesday, September 26, 2001 - 06:15 pm: Edit

Face it Lord, animals DO NOT like you. I'm reminded of the funny story you told about those crazy chocolate and peanut butter monkeys.

By Lordhobgoblin on Monday, August 20, 2001 - 11:35 am

By Head_Prosthesis on Wednesday, September 26, 2001 - 06:13 pm: Edit

I've always heard that the measure of a person is based on the love that one receives from young children and small animals.

"He must be allright, young children and small animals just love him." (this said of a wild Downriver Irish boy)

By Geoffk on Wednesday, September 26, 2001 - 05:36 pm: Edit

Any animal can bite or scratch you. I've probably been bitten by every aimal on my list, inluding the fish (and DEFINITELY including dogs and cats.) It can happen if you smell like food, if they are sick, frightened or confused. If they are a little too hungry or (least desirable) if they are just plain mean.

My experience (and BJ's) is that rats rarely fall into the last category. Most of them, most of the time are quite tame and nice. That doesn't man that they can't bite--any more than your 1 year old nephew can't bite you. They can and will, IF they are upset or confused.

Any pet is a calculated risk and nuisance, period. Most of the time the risk and nuisance factor is pretty small, but obviously, you need to be careful, because it can change in a flash.

-- Geoff K.

By Lordhobgoblin on Wednesday, September 26, 2001 - 02:49 pm: Edit

Blackjack,

Well all I can say is that my finger must have looked very tasty to my rat. A nasty bite, 2 puncture wounds that bled and bled and bled.

Hobgoblin

By Verawench on Wednesday, September 26, 2001 - 10:59 am: Edit

And cats are fierce, sensuous and independent :)

By _Blackjack on Wednesday, September 26, 2001 - 09:57 am: Edit

I agree with the cat:dog::women:men analog. Dogs, like men, can be very enjoyable company, but I wouldn't want to live with one.

By Geoffk on Wednesday, September 26, 2001 - 06:58 am: Edit

You're right--I forgot about koi. They're not really a pet here though--more of a garden accessory. They're a little too big for an indoor tank, so you usually find them in pond gardens or castle moats. In fact, the (filthy) Tokyo rivers have some huge ones swimming wild. Small goldfish ("kingyo"--literally gold-fish) are also popular. Kids fish for them with little paper nets as game prizes in summer festivals.

There's a definite school of thought that says cats are for/like/similar to women and dogs are for/like/similar to men. I can see where that comes from, but I'm a cat AND dog lover, and I find both appealing in their own way. Of course, I have male and female friends too, so maybe I'm just flexible.

-- Geoff K.

By Heiko on Wednesday, September 26, 2001 - 04:59 am: Edit

Cats are like women - if you do everything for them they will allow you to pet them for a while. But they're worth it because they're just sooo lovely ;-)

By Heiko on Wednesday, September 26, 2001 - 04:50 am: Edit

I think rich Japanese are keeping these special variety of carps (don't know how to write it, but they're pronounced 'koy').

One of these specimen can be worth 20,000$ - therefore the hobby is spreading amongst rich snobs around the world. We already have pet-doctors specializing on these fish (good choice, just as lucrative as becoming a plastic surgeon...)

By Bob_Chong on Tuesday, September 25, 2001 - 09:17 pm: Edit

That's what he said.

By Verawench on Tuesday, September 25, 2001 - 09:08 pm: Edit

I love you, mon petit apostrophe.

By Verawench on Tuesday, September 25, 2001 - 09:02 pm: Edit

BC, and if the cat does go on your persian rug, it won't look or (probably) feel the LEAST bit guilty and in the end that's why I respect the creatures.

By Head_Prosthesis on Tuesday, September 25, 2001 - 09:00 pm: Edit

Sorry about the bad grammar.
I just got back from spending
5 days Downriver.

By Head_Prosthesis on Tuesday, September 25, 2001 - 08:38 pm: Edit

I see the kitty litter needs cleaning. I ain't talkin' in the closet, at the apartment either.

By Head_Prosthesis on Tuesday, September 25, 2001 - 08:37 pm: Edit

Or three days later...

By Bob_Chong on Tuesday, September 25, 2001 - 08:30 pm: Edit

GeoffK:

Pretty good run down through the pet kingdom. Not to get into a whole dogs vs. cats thing (Mac vs. Windows anyone?), but it's worth noting--on the most very basic, practical level--that a cat can and will shit and piss in a box, on its own, even when you come home six hours late.

BC

By Geoffk on Tuesday, September 25, 2001 - 06:45 pm: Edit

Two other things:

1. I've never heard about the jellyfish. It wouldn't surprise me, because all kinds of aquariums are popular. It seems to me like they would be hard to keep, though. You'd need a good marine tank and the jellyfish would be always be filtering the necessary stuff from your water.

2. Monkeys (which I still don't think are good pets) are not popular here, but they ARE more available than in the US, if you do decide to get one.

-- Geoff K.

By Geoffk on Tuesday, September 25, 2001 - 06:42 pm: Edit

I've seen people keep ferrets, snapping turtles, kit foxes and prarie dogs. Keeping large stag beetles is very popular, especially with small boys. Unusually large beetles can cost hundreds or thousands of dollars.

Otherwise, it's mostly similar to the US. Dogs are somewhat popular, but it's mostly either very small dogs (maltese, peke etc.) or a Japanese breed called a "Shiba-ken" This is a solid tan colored dog with a curly, up-pointing tail, about the size of a beagle. Fish and hamsters are also popular.

All pets are expensive here. A dog is usually $1000 or more and even a regular cat is $100+. Im not sure why.

-- Geoff K.

By Frater_Carfax on Tuesday, September 25, 2001 - 06:30 pm: Edit

Geoff

I read something a while ago that there was a Japanese fad (possibly long over now...) for keeping jellyfish for pets...

true or myth?

What are the other less conventional pets being kept over there....?

By Geoffk on Tuesday, September 25, 2001 - 06:16 pm: Edit

I've had almost every kind of pet that you can imagine over the years (except a monkey--I could never convince my parents). Here is my feeling:

1. Dog - The gold standard. If you don't like dogs, you shouldn't have children. The bigger the better. Little ones can be nasty and nippy.

2. Cat - Cats can be affectionate, if you treat them well. You have to earn their respect a little (some dogs, like Chow-Chows, are also a little like this). Once they learn to like you, they will want to sleep with you, curl up on you and generally won7t leave you alone. Cats are great pets.

3. Ferret - Ferrets are friendly and fun to play with. They are more like cats than dogs, but are easy to carry around and be close to. They can smell a little bad, especially males, and their poop is nasty. They can be housetrained. They may nip until they're well trained. A pretty good pet.

4. Rabbits - Rabbits are naturally shy and need to be handled gently. Loud noises and sudden moements tend to startle them. They are pretty stupid. Bigger Dutch Rabbits seem to be less jumpy than the smaller ones. They will poop all over and chew things if they aren't caged. They are clean and easy to take care of. Cute, but stupid and not really the best pets.

5. Hamsters/gerbils/mice - These are fun to watch run around a cage and aren't to hard to keep. Mean ones may bite--especially hamsters. They don't have much personality. Mice are the best of the three, but they do smell a little bit.

6. Rats - Rats are much smarter (and better smelling) than mice and calmer than rabbits. They make very good pets, if you don't mind the tails.

7. Birds. - Big expensive parrots make good pets although I never cared for them myself. Little birds (parakeets, finches, canaries) are mostly interior decoration.

8. Fish - Fun to watch. What else can you do?

9. Snakes - Boas and pythons make ok pets. They are clean and will let you handle them, if they get used to it. They can turn nasty if they aren't handled frequently, and are definitely NOT affectionate. They should be caged (not always easy!). Burmese Pythons and (South American) Boa Constrictors are best (Recticulated pythons or Anacondas are nastier). They are easy to feed and care for, although feeding them bothers some people. Other snakes are mostly nasty and/or dangerous and don't like to be handled or caged.

10 Lizards - There are three catagories here: Carniverous (Monitor/Tegu), Vegitarian (Iguana) and small ("chameleon"). The monitor and Tegu lizards are similar to big snakes. They can be aggressive and nasty and require careful handling. If they are not too big, they are interesting pets, but not friendly. Iguanas make fairly good pets and are safe to handle. They need to be kept warm. Indonesian Chameloens are also safe and interestin, although rare and expensie. Small lizards are safe, but hard to keep healthy and not very interesting.

11. Turtles - There are three catagories here - water turtles, tortises and snappers. Snapping turtles are easy to keep but very nasty. Keep one if it interests you, but be careful. Most water turtles (spotted, painted etc.) are easy to keep and safe to handle, if you wash carefully afterrwards. They are interesting, friendly pets. Tortises are probably the best reptile pets. They are clean, easy to keep and fairly friendly.

12. Frog/sallamander/toad - These are all pretty easy to keep, safe and a nice alternative to fish. Not much personality but they can be handled at least, unlike a goldfish.

I'm probably forgetting some others. The bottom line is that dogs and cats are still the best, and the others are interesting, but not really a substitute.

-- Geoff K.

By Frater_Carfax on Tuesday, September 25, 2001 - 05:58 pm: Edit

When I was doing my research degree I had the unfortunate experience of having to get rats pissed on a daily diet of alcohol and then exposing them to industrial chemicals......(have you ever seen a rat hooked up to a human anaesthetic machine before?....)

I eventually arrived a position of complete distaste for the research I was doing as I had very much came to the conclusion that Rats Is People Too...and certainly more intelligent (and better company) than some of my co-workers.

We had some native Australian rats there too, viscious buggers, could bite straight through a reinforced padded glove.....

By Chevalier on Tuesday, September 25, 2001 - 04:58 pm: Edit

"We have the Holy Hand Grenade ..."

"Yes of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch!"

By Petermarc on Tuesday, September 25, 2001 - 04:39 pm: Edit

and HUUUUUGE pointy teeth!...

By _Blackjack on Tuesday, September 25, 2001 - 04:28 pm: Edit

Rabbits are, however, quite insane, and prone to randomly decide to destroy anything low enough for them to reach.

I had a rabbit for a while, and have know several others. They are definitely very neat creatures, but I fear their wrath...

By _Blackjack on Tuesday, September 25, 2001 - 04:25 pm: Edit

The only time I have ever known rats to bite is if they mistake your finger for a treat (or miss the treat you are trying to feed them). They don't generally bite out of fear or aggression, unlike, say, hamsters.

By Lordhobgoblin on Tuesday, September 25, 2001 - 03:08 pm: Edit

African Greys may be interesting and intelligent but they are very territorial and can give a really nasty bite. They grip on to a finger, don't let go and can crush a bone without effort.

I've owned a rat in the past and can second what Blackjack has said. However they can give you a nasty bite. Rabbits on the other had make great pets. They don't need to be caged, can be litter trained just like cats and can have free run of the house. They don't bite and are happy with an occassional run around the garden.

Hobgoblin

By Tavarua on Tuesday, September 25, 2001 - 01:31 pm: Edit

I have heard sixty years, pretty long. I picked one for my grandma for her seventieth birthday, but thatís all right, because my Grandmaís going to live forever. Besides, aside from my Grandma, Coco really digs my Uncle, so he will pick up the torch when it deems necessary. Aside from those two, that damn bird hates everyone else, unless you spend a week straight with the little fucker.

By Perruche_Verte on Tuesday, September 25, 2001 - 01:14 pm: Edit

They will often do that when their owner dies. African Greys can live about as long as humans, so they have a good chance of outliving their owners.

By Tavarua on Tuesday, September 25, 2001 - 01:01 pm: Edit

This is true. African Greys especially show very interesting personality, and are extremely affectionate and bright, as far as birds go. Unfortunately, this is also what makes them one of the most neurotic of bird species. It doesnít take a lot for them to start pulling out their feathers and starve themselves.

By Perruche_Verte on Tuesday, September 25, 2001 - 12:42 pm: Edit

From personal experience, I know that birds bond very well with humans. Members of the parrot family get very attached to their human friends. I'm told that crows/jays/magpies do very well too, but they steal things and like the larger parrots, they can be hard on the furniture.

Unfortunately, they do get lost if they're allowed to fly free and manage to get outdoors, but that's not because they're trying to "escape", it's because they are easily confused and can't find their way back home like a dog or cat.

And of course, they have no sphincter, so you have to live with their shit. Which isn't that difficult; it's small, doesn't smell bad and mostly just collects under the bird's perch.

By _Blackjack on Tuesday, September 25, 2001 - 12:15 pm: Edit

Rats are extrememly happy to be pets, and really only need to be caged for their own protection, since they can get into mischief is left alone. Unlike hamsters, rats make no attempt to escape if they get out of their cage. They usually have a look around and then go back into the cage (sometimes latching the door behind them), or curl up on their owner's bed. Their cage is their home and they are happy there, as long as they have food and clean litter and other rats to play with.

My cats, likewise, have NO desire to go outside. They occasionally stick their noses into the hall and immediately run and hide as soon as there is a noise. And I have little doubt that they have some level of primative affection for me. They prefer to be in the same room with me when I am home, and they become ver disturbed if I close the door and don't let them in.

No, there are animals which bond well with humans and are quite hapy to be pets. Monkeys just don't seem to be among them, ususally.

By Chevalier on Tuesday, September 25, 2001 - 11:35 am: Edit

Then again, you could calm matters down by turning your monkey (or your Unji, for that matter) into a Bonsai Pet.

See: www.bonsaikitten.com for complete instructions.

By Tavarua on Tuesday, September 25, 2001 - 11:21 am: Edit

Heiko, this is not true. I have a happy pet, and she is not a dog, rather an Asian prostitute, named Unji. When I found her, she was a stray living on the street, and I thought, how cute. Ever since then, she has been sleeping on a blanket in the living room, except at night, when I let her roam the streets, I think she is in heat as she always comes home walking a little funny, but with a strange look of satisfaction on her face. You were right about one thing though, she hates being locked-up in that cage. But I really had no choice as she roamed the streets so much, she must have picked up fleas, and apparently gave them to all my friends. They are always itching now. Crazy Asian prostitute of mine.

By Heiko on Tuesday, September 25, 2001 - 09:46 am: Edit

"they don't seem to much LIKE being pets"

I think no animals except dogs like to be pets.
Cats accept their owners because of free food and a warm house in winter, all cage animals don't have a choice.

By Verawench on Tuesday, September 25, 2001 - 09:01 am: Edit

I wouldn't?

By _Blackjack on Tuesday, September 25, 2001 - 07:35 am: Edit

I mean, I'M intelligent and cute, but you wouldn't want to let ME run around your apartment naked all day, would you?

By Pataphysician on Tuesday, September 25, 2001 - 07:25 am: Edit

Curious George Bush

By Geoffk on Tuesday, September 25, 2001 - 07:13 am: Edit

I'll second that--monkeys are not good pets. Most of the people I know with monkeys get around the poop issue by keeping them in diapers all the time. Unless you enjoy changing a VERY uncooperative baby for many years, this is not ideal.

Monkeys can catch colds and other diseases from people and vica versa. This is a serious potential hazard

Moreover, a monkey can trash your apartment or house in an amazingly short time if you leave it unsupervised. It seems intelligence and distructiveness have a high corealation.

Not recommended, even though they ARE inteeligent and cute.

-- Geoff K.

By Pataphysician on Tuesday, September 25, 2001 - 07:12 am: Edit

As Iggy Pop would say:

"Order in the court
Decision to abort
The monkey wants to speak
So speak, monkey, SPEAK!!!"

By Uncle on Monday, September 24, 2001 - 03:56 pm: Edit

As Henry Rollins would say BAD MONKEY!!! BAD MONKEY!!!

By _Blackjack on Monday, September 24, 2001 - 03:22 pm: Edit

The problem with pet monkeys, including marmosets (ouistitis), is that they don't seem to much LIKE being pets. They require a LOT of room, and, being very social, they need other monkeys in order to be happy. A solitary monkey kept with insufficient space will get very neurotic.

There is also the poo-flinging issue. They just love to fling their poo. Nobody seems to have figured out a way to house-train monkeys.

They also are prone to bite and scratch, and those who keep them as pets often resort to having their canine teeth pulled.

Monkeys is lousy housepets.

http://primatecare.com/

By _Blackjack on Monday, September 24, 2001 - 03:11 pm: Edit

The thing with chimps and gorillas who do sgn language is that they have shown the capacity for abstract reasoning, the ability to combine words to create new meanings and things like that. Koko the gorilla referred to one of the potential mates they brought her by combining the signs for "shit" and "head," which is a pretty impressive feat, because it actually involves symbolic use of language, not simply associating the signs with concrete objects.

I wouldn't say they have the intellect of 9-year-olds, but certainly that of retarded toddlers.

By Admin on Monday, September 24, 2001 - 12:56 pm: Edit

Monkey Hole!

By Wolfgang on Monday, September 24, 2001 - 12:43 pm: Edit

That's been answered for a chimp, not for a little ouistiti... I guess it`s not a lot smarter as a dog (the big diference is they have prehensile hands so they can use/play with toys and tools so they look smarter).

By Verawench on Monday, September 24, 2001 - 12:39 pm: Edit

"Alexander the Great died from blood poisoning caused by the bite of his pet monkey."

Eh? I thought it was your usual death-by-drunkeness.

Then again I recently heard a new theory that Mozart died of some rare parasite found in pork chops.

By Bob_Chong on Monday, September 24, 2001 - 12:08 pm: Edit

"Intelligence and the maturity of a 7 to 9 year old child?"

I think you're overestimating a bit. Some sign language with a 50 word "vocabulary" and other rudimentarty shit ain't exactly the same as long division, reading, writing, playing piano, etc. (which any normal 7 or 9 year old can learn).

Hell, gimme a pigeon and a Skinner box and I'll teach it 50 words.

By Perruche_Verte on Monday, September 24, 2001 - 11:52 am: Edit

Oh, I'm sure they'd drink absinthe if you let them, and get hooked on it. And when you ran out... heh heh heh.

By Perruche_Verte on Monday, September 24, 2001 - 11:50 am: Edit

Wolfgang, that's been answered already. Imagine a pet with both the intelligence and the maturity of a 7 to 9 year old child, but with a lot more strength and coordination, not to mention the big sharp nasty teeth. Imagine what it's likely to do when it gets angry or bored.

Alexander the Great died from blood poisoning caused by the bite of his pet monkey.

By Morriganlefey on Monday, September 24, 2001 - 11:03 am: Edit

(OK, so it's really an anisette, not actual Absinthe - but he's really enjoying it, no?)

By Morriganlefey on Monday, September 24, 2001 - 11:00 am: Edit

<i>Do monkeys drink Absinthe ?</i>

Do pigs fly?!?!

my picture

Guess so...

- M

By Wolfgang on Monday, September 24, 2001 - 08:11 am: Edit

Curious George !


...O memories...

I think I`ll go buy a monkey... (Do you know if it`s difficult to take care of ouistiti ? Is it worse than a cat or a dog ?)


Do monkey drink Absinthe ?


Ho yeah! I want a green monkey !

By Verawench on Sunday, September 23, 2001 - 08:18 pm: Edit

monkey

By Petermarc on Sunday, September 23, 2001 - 02:55 pm: Edit

l'eclipse 1872
monkey

By Thegreenimp on Saturday, September 22, 2001 - 02:32 pm: Edit

What!, No Spoon with that set?
Jay

By Verawench on Saturday, September 22, 2001 - 01:25 pm: Edit

Teeeheehee

Emerald Quest is begging for a new section...

By Petermarc on Saturday, September 22, 2001 - 01:11 pm: Edit

ready...
curious

By Joalco on Saturday, September 22, 2001 - 09:10 am: Edit

Are there openings for pandy facklers? Do you discriminate against yellow-bellied landlubbers? Do you give special consideration to paraplegic salad-tossers?

Where do I sign up???

By Head_Prosthesis on Saturday, September 22, 2001 - 09:02 am: Edit

We are now accepting applications for the following, ramblers, mumblers, diddlers, fiddlers, mad randy dandies, teetin go flandies, tea-legged toe-legged bow-legged bandies, meandering puzzfuddlers, doubting thomases, frumpy lump bottoms, pudd stumpers, paddy wagoneers, tiddly winkers, funky weiner binkers, stinky buttmunchers, shave-ed clodd hoppers, neo totalitarians, belly shaking gregarians, talla has tis moi-sipians, barium enema falipians, track and field fudge finders, trivial tippy-toe fact finders, fearless foot-loose freakazoids, trembling polarized europioids, and of course...

general laborers.


We will be reviewing all applicants and accepting all submissions for the following two days.


Don't call us, we'll call you.
Good Luck

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