Offensive joke thread (do not read if you are of a politically correct orientation)

Sepulchritude Forum: The Absinthe Forum Thru December 2001: Offensive joke thread (do not read if you are of a politically correct orientation)
By Head_Prosthesis on Monday, December 03, 2001 - 02:23 pm: Edit

Oh hoo hoo, I am Mo-sess and I will be telling jokes for you, what are you doing for ME? I will tell you now. Sit here.

I come from Liberia, a beautiful land with many pretty women. I can sing the Liberian National Anthem for your listening pleasure. Repeat after me.

All hail, Liberia, hail!

(once more)

This glorious land of liberty
Shall long be ours.
Though new her name,
Green be her fame,
And mighty be her powers,

(I cant hear you in the back)

In joy and gladness
With our hearts united,
We'll shout the freedom
Of a race benighted,
Long live Liberia, happy land!
A home of glorious liberty,
By God's command!

(repeat last two sentences
once more, now!)

All hail, Liberia, hail!

(keep singing)

In union strong success is sure
We cannot fail!
With God above
Our rights to prove
We will o'er all prevail,

(lather, rinse, repeat)

With heart and hand
Our country's cause defending
We'll meet the foe
With valour unpretending.
Long live Liberia, happy land!
A home of glorious liberty,
By God's command!

(you are too slow, song is over)

...Oh but wait! I have many more bad jokes for you!

Q.Why are there no Wal-Marts in Afghanistan?
A.They can't compete with the Targets on every corner.

...Please do not leave, my humor has various ways for you to enjoy me!

Divorce Court: A child is brought to the stand and asked by the Judge, "Young man, would you like to live with your Father?"

"No sir," the boy says "He beats me all the time."

"That's no good" Says The Judge "Would you like to live with your Mother then?"

"No sir," the boy says "She beats me too."

"Well then who shall I rule as your legal gurdian?" The Judge replies.

"The LIONS" he says. "They never beat anyone!"

Oh my what a wonderful time you are having. When I come again you will sit down for more of my amazing entertainment and valuable insight that you get for the very low price of ME! Good Bye to you, and do not put your fingers in your nose or you will get bugs.

By Dr_Ordinaire on Sunday, December 02, 2001 - 10:08 pm: Edit

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.

The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to
find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady, may I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defends her and chastises the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up: "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."

By Geoffk on Thursday, November 29, 2001 - 11:15 pm: Edit

> A guy goes to the Psychiatrist and tells him that he thinks he is a dog...

I know quite a few of these:

Doctor my husband thinks he's an elevator
Bring him up here
I can't Doc, he doesn't stop on this floor.

Doctor my husband thinks he's a TV
I can cure that
No that's ok, can you make him get HBO?

Doctor my husband thinks he's a refrigerator
That's not so bad
Oh yeah? When he opens his mouth at night, the light always wakes me up

Doctor my husband thinks he's a lawnmower
Bring him up here
I can't doc, the neighbors are using him now.

Doctor my family thinks I'm crazy because I like pancakes
I like pancakes too
Really Doc? You should come to my house. I've got oxes and boxes of them!

Doctor my family thinks I'm crazy because I like cotton socks
I like cotton socks
Really Doc? You like them with lemon or with cream and sugar?


-- Geoff K.

By String on Thursday, November 29, 2001 - 10:48 pm: Edit

my favorites: (some may have come from this forum)

"A blonde is standing on the bank of a lake, as she looks across the lake she sees another blonde.She yells across "hey how do I get across the lake?".The other blonde yells back "YOU ARE ACROSS THE LAKE!"

One fine day this beautiful young girl was walking through the woods picking flowers and wild mushrooms for her mother. After some time she felt weary and decided to rest by the pond. Under the shade of the big oak tree she admired the water lillies and the beauty that surrounded her and began to snooze.
She was awakened by the sound of a frog croaking, "Excuse me" Said the frog. " I was once a beautiful Prince and lived in a big castle until a wicked witch cast a spell upon me. If you kiss me tenderly on my lips I would turn back to my former beauty and we could marry and live in my castle, where you could…… wash my clothes, cook my meals, clean the castle, make the beds, and clean the bath for me.
Later that night, over a fine bottle of chilled Chablis with sautéed frogs legs in garlic butter and fresh truffles she thought to herself: "I don’t fucking think so!!"

An 85 year old man is at the doc's having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling.
"Never better!" he replies. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story... I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle. *BAM* The beaver drops dead in front of him."
"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver."

A couple had been married for 25 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each. The wife wanted to travel around the world.
The fairy waved her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand. Next, it was the husband’s turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, “Well, I’d like to have a woman 30 years younger than me.”
The fairy picked up her wand and boom! He was 90

On this morning a woman and her baby was taking public transportation. As she entered the bus the driver says "Wow that is one ugly baby."
The woman deeply hurt just continued on the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man. The man asks "What's wrong you look mad?" She replied, "I am. That bus driver just insulted me."
"You shouldn't take that from him." the man replied. "He's a public worker and should give you respect. If I was you I would take down his badge number and report him." You're right sir I think I will report him.
The elderly man says, "You go on up there and get his badge number and I'll hold your monkey for you

A guy goes to the Psychiatrist and tells him that he thinks he is a dog. The Psychiatrist says, “Hm… very interesting. Please lay yourself on the coutch so we can further explore this problem” The guy replies "I'm not allowed on the couch".

A married man left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, however, he squandered the weekend, (and his paycheck) partying with the boys.
When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?"
"That would suit me just fine!!" the man said.
Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by with the same result. Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye

A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog:
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"
Rancher: "This dog don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin alright"
Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)"
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Rancher: (Look of disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Rancher: "Horses don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it goin?"
Horse: "Cool."
Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at rancher)
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Rancher: (total look of amazement)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?"
Rancher: (stuttering, and hardly able to talk)...... "Th-Th-Them sheep ain't nothin but liars!!!"

NEWS BULLETIN :January 27, 1999
Poland's Worst Air Disaster occurred today when a small two-seater
Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in
Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 326 bodies so far and
expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

The judge asks, "Mr. Mouse, what leads you to believe Minnie is insane?"
Mickey replies, "I never said she was insane...I said she was fucking Goofy!"

A woman went into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband’s funeral. She told the director that she wanted her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit. He asked, “Wouldn’t it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?”
“No,” she insisted as she handed him a check to buy a dark blue suit. “It must be blue.”
When she came back for the wake, she saw her husband in the coffin, and he was wearing a beautiful blue suit. She told the director how much she loved the suit and asked how much it cost.
He said, “Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her, so I switched the heads.”

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
She says "No, I'm really a blonde".
"I thought so," he says. "You have a broken finger."

A tourist in a museum asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard says, "Three million, four years, and six months old."
The tourist says, "How do you know their age so precisely?"
The guard says, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."

A seven-year-old boy and his four-year-old brother were upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" said the seven year old. "I think it's about time we start swearing." The four year old nodded his head in approval.
"When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say hell, and you say ass, okay?" The four year old agreed with enthusiasm.
The mother walked into the kitchen and asked the seven year old what he wanted for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the floor, got up and ran upstairs crying his eyes out. The mother looked at the four year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do you want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbered, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."

By Geoffk on Thursday, November 29, 2001 - 10:47 pm: Edit

Similar story,

A Temperance minister stood before his congregation and said "I want to show you how dangerous and evil this absinthe drink is. Watch this." He took a mayonnaise jar full of water and dropped in a couple of worms, which swam around happily. Then he took an identical jar filled with 70 degree La Bleue and dropped in a couple more worms. Instantly, they shriveled and died. He smiled and said "Now, can you tell me what this will do to YOUR body if you drink it?"

A guy in back said, "Yeah, it'll guarantee that you never get worms..."

-- Geoff K.

By Artist on Thursday, November 29, 2001 - 09:04 pm: Edit

(deep bow)

Aw shucks, I'm just learning from y'all...

By Mr_Carfax on Thursday, November 29, 2001 - 08:26 pm: Edit

(much applause and standing ovation)

Author! Author!

By Artist on Thursday, November 29, 2001 - 08:10 pm: Edit

Pretty clear story.

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. "Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else--the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
.(contemplative silence)
But then a student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of absinthe. Of course the absinthe filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.

The moral of this tale is:

That no matter how full your life is, there is always room for ABSINTHE.

By Cheri on Thursday, November 29, 2001 - 01:06 pm: Edit

What has four legs and an arm?

A pit bull.

By Lordhobgoblin on Thursday, November 29, 2001 - 10:59 am: Edit

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Lady 1: Where did you get it?

Lady 2: You can get them at any chemists shop (pharmacy/drugstore for those of you from the USA).

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local chemists shop and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The man, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old) but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

The pharmacist fainted.


By Dr_Ordinaire on Thursday, November 29, 2001 - 10:57 am: Edit

It can get worse, Chevalier..

This lady was really, I mean REALLY horny. She kept eyeing the young man in the supermarket bagging her groceries.

Walking to her car she couldn't resist. She looked at him deep in the eyes and said: "Hey, handsome, I've got an itchy pussy..."

The boy responded: "Sorry, Maam, I cannot tell one Japanese car from another...."

By Chevalier on Thursday, November 29, 2001 - 10:46 am: Edit

Groan ... That last one just about killed the thread for me. :-/

By Mr_Carfax on Wednesday, November 28, 2001 - 08:44 pm: Edit

(I am presuming most people had Datsun as a make of car in their countries at some stage...)

A man is drivng along in his Datsun one day when it starts to make unhealthy noises and stalls.

It gets towed to a repair yard where the mechanic stated that his problem was that he needed a new Datsun cog. The man requests a new one be installed, whereupon the mechanic tells him he needs to import them from Japan and he can only buy them in bulk in boxes of 100. Keen to get his car mobile again he forks out the money and fills in the order form for 100 Datsun cogs.

A day or two later the mechanic phones him to say that due to transport worker strikes, there is no way they will be delivered for months, but the supplier in Japan is willing to provide them if he picks them up in person.

This man loves his Datsun. So he charters a private plane, flies to Japan, receives his box of 100 Datsun cogs and loads them onto the plane for the return journey.

While flying over Ireland, the plane starts to make unhealthy noises, and the pilot sticks his head back and says that they are losing altitude rapidly, and that all excess baggage needs to be thrown out of the plane to conserve fuel.

The man reaches into the carton and pulls out one Datsun cog, and lauches the other 99 out the door.

Mick and Paddy were out a-rovin' across the heath, when Mick suddenly looks up in the sky and says "Look Paddy, its raining Datsun cogs..."


By Lordhobgoblin on Wednesday, November 28, 2001 - 03:17 pm: Edit

One for Card Players.

Two couples were playing cards one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill's wife's legs were wide apart, and she wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table & emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed & asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"

Surprised by her boldness, John admitted that, well, indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you £500."

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial situation as well as the moral costs of this offer, John says that he is indeed interested. She tells him that since her husband, Bill, works Friday afternoons & John doesn't, that John should be at her house around 2pm Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house for the planned time at 2pm sharp & after paying her the agreed upon £500, they went to the bedroom & completed their sexual transaction as Sue had promised. Afterwards, John quickly dressed & left.

As usual, Bill came home from work at 6pm & upon entering the house, asks his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"

With a lump in her throat, Bill's wife answered, "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon". Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you ?500?". In terror, she assumed that somehow he had found out, & after mustering up her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me £500".

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning & borrowed ?500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home & pay me back."



By Greendawg on Monday, November 26, 2001 - 09:31 pm: Edit

This one's for the Sports Fans (Over 40 Variety):

Howard Cosell and Wilt Chamberlain found themselves side by side at the urinal one evening. As they stood there, Howard's curiosity quickly overtook him. He glanced briefly in Wilt's direction, once, then again,incredulous of the size of Wilt's considerable manhood, and then repeatedly until Wilt noticed him.
"Pardon my staring, Wilt", pleaded Howard."May I ask how a man can achieve such a gargantuan member?"
Wilt replied," Well, Howard, it's like this: each night before I make love to the woman in my pad, I hit my dick upside the foot of the bed, three times real hard. Makes for a long unit, just like she wants, dig?"
Howard nodded sheepishly, then the two parted ways.
That night, eager to test his new-found secret, Howard crept into the bedroom where his wife lay sleeping and, without turning on the light, silently disrobed. He then stood at the foot of the bed, firmly grasped his member and began to strike it against the timbers:
"Thwack! Thwack!! THWACK!!!"
As Howard dropped to his knees from the pain, throbbing unit still in hand, he heard his wife's voice ask in the darkness,"Is that you, Wilt?"

By Tavarua on Monday, November 26, 2001 - 08:04 pm: Edit

Bear with me here.

So a string walks into the bar and orders a scotch. The bartender says, "We don't serve your types round here." In frustration, the string leaves the bar and ruffles up the top of his string. He walks back in and orders a scotch. The bartendor asks, aren't you the same string I kicked out earlier and he says, "No, I'm a frayed knot."

By Chevalier on Monday, November 26, 2001 - 09:56 am: Edit

Artemis wrote:
"I'm pretty sure that 'gamahuche' more properly refers to 69, as opposed to mere one-way taco tonguing."

Well, yes -- but don't tell that to "Walter", the author of MY SECRET LIFE. As a proper Brit, he bastardized the french language again and again. "Walter" referred to 69 as a "double gamahuche", "soixante-neuf", and the amusing "arsy-versy".

By Bjacques on Monday, November 26, 2001 - 08:10 am: Edit

A Zen parable:

Two monks are walking along a road on a cool autumn day. They live by begging or by nature's bounty. In the road they see a cat, dead a few days but still untouched by the local vermin. The first monk immediately falls on it and devours it. The second demurs. After finishing his meal, the first monk says to the second, "You will never achieve enlightment. You are too fastidious!" His companion says nothing.

They continue down the road. Suddenly, the first monk turns green. Quicker than one hand can clap, he vomits the barely-digested carcass onto the road. The second monk immediately starts tucking in, saying "What's so fastidious about wanting a hot lunch?" And the first monk is enlightened.

Here's a classic:

On a lovely day, in a tiny village that exists no longer, Omar, a righteous man, married the beautiful and virtuous Shahrazad. Clearly Allah, the Benevolent and Merciful, smiled on these two. Following the wedding was a great feast. The lavishness of the feast was an invitation to blasphemy, as many were tempted to say that such a feast could not be had even in.

At last, when no one could eat another crumb or drink another drop, Omar stood up to speak. The pavilion was silent. Omar surveyed the room. All the villagers were there, people he had known all his life. This was the happiest moment of his life so far, and his happiness could only increase.

O Accursed Day! For had he died that instant, he would have died having a foretaste of Paradise. But he did not. He sneezed. Thus distracted, he farted, as loudly as a djinn could clap. Then the pavilion grew quieter still. Even the winds outside died.

No one spoke. While a fart was a tremendous breach of manners, calling attention to it, however obliquely, was grounds for murder. The silence lengthened. Omar quietly walked out. He left the village. He walked north, into the mountains and out of the life of the village.

The years passed. He became a warrior. He fought in Kashmir. He fought in Afghanistan, against the blue-eyed, pale-skinned people from further north. When they left, he continued to fight. When the intense, black-turbanned warriors swept through Afghanistan, he decided to go home. No matter how much he'd fought, he couldn't forget, but by now, surely everyone else at home must have.

He returned to his village. Nobody recognized him, while he found everybody and everything unchanged--almost. The beautiful and virtuous Shahrazad, by common consent, married another and had a daughter. Omar saw them both at the market. Though veiled by rough cloth and the mantle of the passing years, Omar still recognized her. The girl at her side, then, must be her daughter. He followed them home, at a discreet distance. When she entered her home, he stood--discreetly--outside her window, and listened to mother and daughter. The one was lost to him forever and the other he would naver know.

"O Mother! I can never remember when I was born!"
"That's easy, Fatima. It was ten years to the day after Omar's Fart!"

Omar left his village for good.

By Chevalier on Sunday, November 25, 2001 - 05:54 pm: Edit

Hob went for the record with that one.

By Lordhobgoblin on Sunday, November 25, 2001 - 04:30 pm: Edit

What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
They both like a tight seal.

If a light-sleeper sleeps with a light on, what does a hard-sleeper sleep with?

What does Popeye do to keep his favourite tool from rusting?
Sticks it in Olive Oyl.

What did the lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?
They're right! We do taste like chicken!

What do a Christmas tree and a Catholic priest have in common?
Their balls are just for decoration.

What did the banana say to the vibrator?
What are YOU shaking for? She's going to eat me!

What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"?
About three inches.

What is the difference between a hormone and an enzyme?
You can't hear an enzyme.

What do you call a gay dinosaur?

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One... Men will screw anything.

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with....the other is used to carry groceries.

What did the blonde say when asked if she'd been picked up by the fuzz?
No... but I've been swung around by the tits.

Why don't blind people skydive?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
Coz every time she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat.

What is the difference between a peeping tom and a robber?
A robber snatches watches.

Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench. Suddenly a man comes along, flings open his trench coat and flashes them. Two have a stroke...but the third doesn't because her arms aren't long enough.

What do you call a truckload of dildos?
Toys for twats.

Looseness comparisions :

The first one says,"I'm so loose that my husband can fit his whole fist inside of me."

Then the second one said,"I'm so loose my husband can fit his whole arm up to his elbow inside of me."

Then the third one slipped down the bar stool.

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his arse.

How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

What did the gynaecologist & the pizza deliveryman have incommon?
They both get to smell the goods but neither one can eat it.

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mother.

What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

How is pubic hair like parsley?
You push it to the side before you start eating.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.

Why are women & Kentucky Fried Chicken the same?
By the time you're finished with the breast & thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.

How are tornadoes & marriage alike?
They both begin with a lot of sucking & blowing, & in the end you lose your house.

Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
Because everybody who can run, jump & swim are already in the USA.

What's the difference between a bitch & a whore?
A whore sleeps with everybody at the party whereas a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.

What's the difference between love, true love & showing off?
Spitting, swallowing & gargling.

What 3 words do you dread most while making love?
"Honey, I'm home."

What's so good about an Ethiopian Blow-job?
You know she'll swallow.

What's the difference between a Catholic wife & a Jewish wife?
A Catholic wife has real orgasms & fake jewellery.

Do you know why women fake orgasm?
Because men fake foreplay.

What's the difference between getting a divorce &
getting circumcised?
When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!

What's the difference between a G-Spot & a golf ball?
A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
She knows she's given her last blow job.

What did one gay sperm say to another?
How do we find an egg in all of this shit?

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. The hard part is getting them into the light bulb.

How do you find a blonde in long grass?

What has seventy-five balls & screws old ladies?

How do little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is bedtime?
When the big hand touches the little hand...

When is a pixie not a pixie?
When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.

What's the definition of a Yankee?
Same thing as a "quickie", only you do it yourself.

How can you tell if a valentine card is from a leper?
The tongue's still in the envelope.

Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blow job?
The blow job. You can beat your wife, your eggs, & your meat, but you just can't beat a blow job.

What is the definition of Confidence?
When your wife catches you in bed with another woman & you slap her on the ass & say,"You're next!"

What's the difference between a blonde & an ironing board?
It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.

What's pink & hard?
A pig with a flick knife.

Why do blondes have more fun?
They are easier to keep amused.

Why do seagulls have wings?
To beat the gypsies to the rubbish dump.

Why did God invent alcohol?
So ugly people can get laid.

How do you get three little old ladies to say the "F" word?
Have a fourth one yell "Bingo!" or "house!"

What do you get if you cross a pit bull terrier with a hooker?
Your last blow job.

Why did god create women?
Because dogs can't get beer out the fridge.

What's 100 yds long & smells of piss?
The Post Office queue on Thursday mornings.

What's the difference between a woman from Wigan & a walrus?
One's got a moustache & smells of fish & the other lives in the sea.

How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, but it takes 15 to write a paper entitled 'Coping with Darkness'.

What have women & condoms got in common?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on the end of your cock.

What's the difference between PMT & BSE?
One is mad cow's disease & the other's an agricultural problem.

What will Postman Pat be called when he retires?

What's the difference between a road killed dog and a road killed lawyer/insurance salesman?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.

How do you make a dog drink?
Put it in a liquidizer.

What's got four legs & an arm?
A rottweiler.

What do you call a bear with no ears?

What's got two legs & bleeds?
Half a dog.

What do you do if your boiler explodes?
Buy her some flowers.

What do you call a man who expects to have sex on
the second date?

What is the definition of confusion?
Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

What's the difference between a blonde and A mosquito?
A mosquito quits sucking when you smack it.

What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during orgasm.

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
She is the one who can eat the last donut!

How do you turn a fox into a cow?
Marry it!

How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.

Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

I am so good in bed that when I have sex even th neighbours need a cigarette.

Jewish dilemma: Free PORK.

Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites attract.

Why do Italians wear moustaches?
So they can look like their mother.

How can you tell which is the HEAD nurse?
The one with the scuffed knees.

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

Why do men take showers instead of baths?
Pissing in the bath is disgusting.

Did you hear about the new shade of Dulux paint called "Blonde"?
It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.

Why do women have FOREHEADS?
So you have someplace to kiss them after they give you a BLOWJOB.

How can you tell if you had a really great blowjob?
You have to pull the sheet out of your ass.

How can you tell if you have a great old lady?
She pulls the sheet out for you.

Why don't pygmies wear tampons?
They keep stepping on the strings.

How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...."

Why is a bachelor skinny and a married man fat?
The bachelor comes home, sees what's in the refrigerator and goes to bed. The married man comes home, sees what's in the bed,and goes to the refrigerator.

What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.

How can you tell a macho woman?
She rolls her own tampons.


By Artemis on Saturday, November 24, 2001 - 12:32 pm: Edit

I'm pretty sure that "gamahuche" more properly refers to 69, as opposed to mere one-way taco tonguing.

There is a Swedish toothpaste which Luger assures me contains whatever herb lends that "talcum powder" flavor to Berger absinthe. Or at least he surmises based upon the flavor. I wouldn't know, but I'll find out one of these days, as it is available in the U.S.

I see a commercial forming: after a hearty humid gamahuche, refurbish your breath with Vademecum!

By Head_Prosthesis on Saturday, November 24, 2001 - 08:57 am: Edit

So you see? Mah hammered alley is really cashews clay...

By Head_Prosthesis on Saturday, November 24, 2001 - 08:53 am: Edit


why son?


Because dad? because I...

yes son?

Because I want the 1000 PURPLE PING PONG BALLS for ... ukck ukkcc urrghh!!!

No! No son no!!!

By Head_Prosthesis on Saturday, November 24, 2001 - 08:36 am: Edit

A rope walks into a Skör bar...

By Head_Prosthesis on Saturday, November 24, 2001 - 06:50 am: Edit

Santa performs "a quite brutal Rogering"?

You sleigh me

By Lordhobgoblin on Saturday, November 24, 2001 - 02:07 am: Edit

It is Christmas Eve and this chap is on a rooftop about to jump off. His wife is leaving him for another man, he has lost his job and he owes thousands of pounds to the bank. Just as he finishes his prayers and closes his eyes, ready to jump, Father Christmas taps him on the shoulder.

"Are you OK?" asks Father Christmas. The man explains why he is so miserable and gets ready to jump. "Stop!" shouts Father Christmas. "It is Christmas, I will grant you three wishes to solve your problems on the understanding that you will grant me a small favour in return!"

"Would you?" the man replies. "That would be wonderful!!...Thank you, thank you!" Father Christmas promises him that:

1.You shall go home in 1 hour and your wife will be dressed in her sexiest underwear, begging for forgiveness and longing for your return, she will have no recollection of her new boyfriend.

2.You shall go into work tomorrow, sit at your desk and continue with your work. Your salary will have increased by 50%. Also, nobody will have any recollection of your sacking.

3.You shall go to your bank and you will be ten thousand pounds in credit, you will have no outstanding bills.

"Oh thank you, thank you!" says the man. "What is it that I can do for you?"

Father Christmas asks the man to drop his pants and bend over.

After a quite brutal Rogering, which made his eyes water a little, Father Christmas asks the man how old he is.

"35" replies the man.

"Ho, Ho, Ho, You're a bit old to believe in Father Christmas aren't you!?" chuckled the fat gay man in fancy dress.


By Lordhobgoblin on Saturday, November 24, 2001 - 01:58 am: Edit

A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Mexican is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want." The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila." Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me piss tequila." The Genie grants him his wish.

When the Mexican gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like tequila. Then
he smells the liquid. Smells like tequila. So, he takes a taste and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted. The Mexican yells to his wife,
"Consuelo, Consuelo, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Mexican takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is tequila. Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best tequila she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.

The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the tequila is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.

Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home and tells his wife, "Consuelo grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink tequila." His
wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.

The Mexican begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?" Pancho raised the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle!"


By Head_Prosthesis on Friday, November 23, 2001 - 03:54 pm: Edit

What does a woman do with her asshole before she has sex?

She drops him off at the bowling alley.

By Verawench on Friday, November 23, 2001 - 03:09 pm: Edit

hee hee hee

By Head_Prosthesis on Friday, November 23, 2001 - 02:57 pm: Edit

Hedley and Wyche

By Verawench on Friday, November 23, 2001 - 02:38 pm: Edit

From what I understand, it's basically interchangable with vanilla frosting.

By Head_Prosthesis on Friday, November 23, 2001 - 02:35 pm: Edit

Is it true British toothpaste contains 100% sugar?

By Verawench on Friday, November 23, 2001 - 02:33 pm: Edit

It's from the big book of British Smiles.

By Head_Prosthesis on Friday, November 23, 2001 - 12:49 pm: Edit

Nice grill Vera.

By Head_Prosthesis on Friday, November 23, 2001 - 12:48 pm: Edit

"gamahuche" (which I'll pronounce Gah-mah-hoochy) how fascinating.

By Verawench on Friday, November 23, 2001 - 12:46 pm: Edit


By Chevalier on Friday, November 23, 2001 - 12:38 pm: Edit

Head, if you ever feel the burning need to bone up on Victorian-era vulgarities (and who doesn't?), get yourself a copy (or copies, rather: there were 11 volumes originally) of MY SECRET LIFE, the lifelong sexual diary of a very promiscuous English gentleman (he called himself "Walter") with a great memory for details.

Some of my favorite expressions from the books: "bubbies" for breasts/nipples, "spend" for come, "minette" for fellatio, and "gamahuche" for cunnilingus.

By Head_Prosthesis on Friday, November 23, 2001 - 12:29 pm: Edit

I get it now. Heh heh oh boy

By Verawench on Friday, November 23, 2001 - 12:25 pm: Edit

Yes, Head, it was a flap pun.

By Verawench on Friday, November 23, 2001 - 12:24 pm: Edit

It's those walking condoms that have me confused.

By Chevalier on Friday, November 23, 2001 - 12:22 pm: Edit

No, Heady, it wasn't a typo. FLAPS, as in labia: vulgarly known in Britain as "cunt flaps".

By Head_Prosthesis on Friday, November 23, 2001 - 12:21 pm: Edit

Was it a type-o?

By Head_Prosthesis on Friday, November 23, 2001 - 12:19 pm: Edit

I don't know was it?

Flats or flaps, I prefer flaps as in flapjacks, what with all that butter and sweet syrup cascading down the big stack... The vagina as a pancake!

Makes more sense than an apartment building full of lesbians. Is that the norm in England? Lesbians in apartment buildings? Can't they afford to buy townhouses or cottages on the moors?

By Head_Prosthesis on Friday, November 23, 2001 - 12:15 pm: Edit

He said flaps not flats. Was that a type-o?

Why yes, yes it was...

By Chevalier on Friday, November 23, 2001 - 12:11 pm: Edit

In Britspeak, a block of FLATS is an apartment building. Flats are individual apartments. Or did you know that, and I didn't pick up on it?

By Verawench on Friday, November 23, 2001 - 11:58 am: Edit

Haw Haw, you silly spammer you.

By Head_Prosthesis on Friday, November 23, 2001 - 11:41 am: Edit

Sometimes flapjacks?

By Head_Prosthesis on Friday, November 23, 2001 - 11:39 am: Edit

Please excuse the Ugly American but is this "A block of flaps" a play on words. Are "flaps" what we call pancakes?

By Lordhobgoblin on Friday, November 23, 2001 - 11:34 am: Edit

Time for a little humour I think.

How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
The best ones squirt when you eat them.

How do you tell if a girl is too fat to have sex with?
When you pull her knickers down her arse is still in them.

What is the difference between a drug dealer and hooker?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Do you know why they called it "The Wonder Bra"?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits have gone.

What do you call 25 lesbians stacked on top of each other?
A block of flaps.

How do you know God is a man?
Because if God was a women sperm would taste of chocolate.

What is the definition of making love ?
Something a woman does while a bloke is humping her.

What is the best thing about Alzheimer's disease ?
You get to meet new people every day.

What is the biggest problem for an atheist ?
No one to talk to during an orgasm.

Why do Jewish men like to watch porno films backwards?
They like the part where the hooker gives the money back.

What is the difference between toilet paper and toast?
Toast is brown on both sides.

Two condoms walk past a gay bar. One says to the other, "Hey, lets go in there and get shit faced".

Why is the space between a woman's tits and her hips called a waist ?
Because you could have got another pair of tits in there.

What do you call three dogs and a blackbird? The Spice Girls

What is the similarity between betting a blow-job from an eighty-year-old and walking the tightrope?
In both cases you really don't want to look down.


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